For Better or....

Howdy Folks!

I’m alive. Surprise!

People all over the world are clutching their falling pants and wiping their runny noses while trying to hold back tears of joy. That’s all I’m going to say about my vanishing act and my subsequent return today. I’m back. Let’s not read too much into that.

I read my own blog yesterday, the dusty old posts forgotten by all, hiding in the ether. Words buried in old web pages, unseen by anyone except the odd spam bot. I am simultaneously embarrassed and jealous. Embarrassed because I was an idiot. Jealous because, well, I used to be a fun idiot. I used to think of such strange and wonderful things that just do not occur to me anymore. As though the little spinning pinwheel that is inside my soul, powering my imagination and coherence, is slowly being worn away. Soon it will be but a little pile of confetti.

However, to be frank, I am excited about the whole stuff happening around: D. At least I am in a place where I don’t have to laugh for jokes like this - My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite. In fact I am living in a live entertainment world. Trust me, my inner voice has a better tone of humour than these made up jokes. Try it by walking in front of me sometime.

Now-a-days, I am living on a motivation of spending my remaining life in a comatose state without uttering a single syllable just like Mr. Singh. Before you people used your impermissible levels of intelligence in guessing my profession, lemme tell you, I am not a LIBRARIAN. Adding much to my amusement, wherever I go, I end up bumping into couples and little freakily bawling kids. In such worst conditions, if ever I can still hear but highly prefer not to hear is Ekta Kapoor type bahus who are roaming in this free nation. For that matter,any saas-bahu Jodi.

Talking about it, everyone ought to get married unless they have a really good reason not to, like becoming the nun or if they are in a coma or are in under daily dosage of Ekta Kapoor. I researched long to find out the reasons that hypothesized women to get married which is supposedly their life’s biggest dream.  The most realistic one seems to be that they seem to get the urge to merge for all sorts of silly reasons like being in love, but the most plausible one could be that they have managed to locate that one specimen in the male population who is not a complete jerk.

It boggles my mind whenever I see all the forces come under cooperation and willingness to get a person hitched. Research tells us that these forces spend one hundred and forty four hours a week, on average, either in contemplation or in discussion of this stuff.  When I say forces, it refers to the family, extended family, friends, friends’ friends, colleagues and trust me even the servant maids.

Well, there are seven billion people on this planet. Statistically half of them are men. The probability of finding that one handsome, loving and sensitive male out of the pack is pretty high. It’s a different matter however that I might never run into him because he’s likely under scientific observation in a laboratory in MIT. Just in case if you are lucky you bump into him too but these same rational forces I referred too with make their best to project him as any other jerk.

So this excessive enthusiasm and the pains of bitter disappointments of those frogs that turned into princesses kept me extremely busy. Hence, no updates but I promise to visit once in a while with a new post.

Joy of Swades!

Been on a trip inside my head for the past few days, and am off on another one, this time for real. It is high time for me to respond to all the pending comments, visit all the morons in the city, take a bath and catch up on all the gossip! Not necessarily sequentially: p

Anyways, it is burning hot here man… swear! Do not ever tell this around, I am sure there is one person everywhere who can give you that screwball lecture on Global Warming.

Unfortunately it was my boss during my internship. To save my job, I spared his egg shared smooth shaved head.

I sat through a long discourse on global warming and how it’ll affect the kind of clothes we wear on a daily basis. Apparently, the Earth is going to become too hot for us to wear clothes and we’d all be walking around butt-naked on the streets, sweating like pigs. We will be forced to do something drastic to preserve whatever ‘little’ decency we have.

From the Stone Age to the Information Age, we’re crashing towards another Ass Age. Strangely, this comes just before the next Ice Age, and the two pronunciations are not to be confused. So, what do we do in this ex-ass-perating situation?

Well, the answer is drink coke and put peace!  I know how it feels … Face palm!  Morons are everywhere but only logical morons are found in yeh desh hai mera..Swadesh :D

Somehow I feel that all the truths about Global Warming should be proven true, and then would the fucked-up version of the future would be something like ass age to ice age. Unfortunately, it’s just a dream. An ass-piration: P Then the formula of Keep calm and eat aam doesn’t work :P ..You know why ….

Anyways, apart from the heat, I have my serious rants. Every unofficial couple in the city feels that I am their parents or ex’s hired CID who is tracking them in every mall, theatre. Oh yeah! Am this bright inquisitive and exuberance of the youth parcelled from west and landed here. Lemme clarify, I am omnipresent for next two months in all the malls, multiplexes, single screen theatres of the SE Asia. Unfortunately coke is paying for the scampering; else I don’t mind tracking you souls too. Sorry, currently I am hired! Jee le zindagi!Hasthe kilthe... 

Finally! Despite the odds, feels great to be back in motherland J

Weekend roundup!

Again, I disappeared. I know! Now not the trip or anything, but the exams and also a bit of surprising shocking news.

On 11^th April, one hysterical group ran into me on the street announcing my Dean’s award as very inspiring personality (in other terms all round award which I did not believe till I received). I didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or delighted. In the end, I just managed to nod my head, smile, make appropriate noises, and escape to the safety.click here for details.

Anyways that was the reason and also these days my tight schedule fitted in a movie every evening mostly Bollywood masala.After watching sooooo much of drama, now let me recollect the famous dialogue of Bollywood “Mere paas maa hai”. This movie probably set new standards in Indian cinema and elevated mortal beings into superstardom. The ’70s were all that Bollywood could offer in terms of originality, innovation and pleasure. Apart from the occasional gem, a majority of the movies made in Bollywood today are worthless pieces of stool.

Simple formula that all Bollywood movies follow nowadays:

A meets B.

Falls in love with B.

A thinks life is all roses and unicorns. Sings a song or two.

But, oh no! What’s this? B is in love with C! How unexpected!

A is shattered. Depressed. Sings a song or two.

C, meanwhile, is a jerk and does something inhuman, untrustworthy.

B loses faith in C. B is depressed. Blames self for misfortune. Sings a song or two.

A swoops in like a knight in shining armor. Consoles B.

B falls in love with A. All is fine, sing a song or two.

Optional (for violence): C and A have a fight.

If A and C are men, you have a strong romantic movie filled with songs, drama and action. If A and C are women, you have a spicy, romantic chick flick.

The unchanging storyline for any movie worth its salt to pass inspection. Package the formula with a college theme, a superhero theme, a gangster theme, and just about any goddamn theme – you get one crappy movie after another.

If not this, re-hashing successful old movies with more masala and lesser clothes and disgusting lyrics to excite more hapless people. Blatant over-the-top acting with too much drama and too many emotions and too many movements of the eyebrows. Now comes the actors with some two to three hits in their pocket engaging themselves into silly publicity stunts, those who sell their souls to be on a reality show and those who sell their bodies to get featured in a newspaper – we have all kinds of lunatics in this business.

Well, I still love Bollywood! This is the only ridiculous substance that keeps me awake all night.

PS: Perverts, I heard u! Well, not for that certainly!

Credits: Nikhil

Moron Marathon!

For those of you who have been wondering why I haven’t been updated for two weeks, well, you can stop wondering. I am still alive, unfortunately, and I’m back in business. For those of you who assumed I had given up, for those of you who assumed I was migrated to other planet and for those of you who just didn’t (and still don’t) care whether this blog gets updated or not, the least I can offer is a friendly wave.
Alright! Now am done with my daily dosage of overacting, hence I’ll go into the story. It’s been a while that I got into couple of consulting projects for SME and working on my journal with Harvard guys, so arguably, I’ve been a bit busy. Adding an ill-timed illness and brand new fuckers around, it does get a bit dicey to manage blogging time.

But anyway, here I am, itching to tell the world about my last trip. It was insanely fun trip where I was totally out of my mind which generally happens when I travel but this time significantly and literally happened.

Ok, back to the point, there is this so called awesome restaurant in the centre of the city. I, along with couple of friends  went there. It is a historic place and maintained by some private hotel group. Honestly , the place was ridiculously small with 3-5 tables and a huge line waiting at the door. We were lucky to get a table. A person came up to us with some tiny piece of toilet paper type or even cheaper material. He gently handed over to us with a nasty look like #i_am_giving_my_only daughter_away# u better take care!

Just surprised about how this restaurant can be insanely popular while the menu is so like a crap recycled one. We freaked out at the prices yet we kept our cool and still placed an order. After a while a gang of 3 boys and 3 gals walking in rhythm and laughing like old mythological villians' background score. Unfortunately they are from the same origin of mine. You know how were they identified? Because they never learnt how to stand in a queue. 

 Firstly I was distracted by the donkey’s noise around which was amusingly the way that gang was eating. Secondly, their long distance calling made me wonder if they really were trying to call using their mobile.

We were done and waiting for our check and unfortunately the gang too. There was a huge chaos in the area and to my shock was these ppl fighting over bill as who would pay which was followed by mastering the art of bargaining. Finally they agreed on something and there was some peace. Before it lasted, they dug out all the cent coins they had and paid which was eventually dropped by the waiter.

Now, the place is Vienna and restaurant accepts only cash and that bunch of idiots are Indians outside India.

Yeah, this is what I wanted to tell, I spotted again a bunch of morons! 

Mission accomplished :-)

Stupidity - Her perpetual trademark

Wednesdays are obviously the worst days of the semester. Fuelling to that, I had moved into my new house on the same day. Topped to this was a stupid bachelor student who asks me out for a date every time he sees me for which my obvious answer is “Grow up for it”. Well, I am single but doesn’t mean I will get into carbon dating. Anyways that’s not the point.

After I moved my luggage into the new house, I met my landlady. Within 5 mins I understood the level of her stupidity and believe me, I can never deal with such fat old mindless morons.

I told her I would see her in the evening as I have a class and walked away.

So, I came back home at 8 this evening, tired, drenched in my own sweat, reeking of the day’s exploits and turn the keys in my front door and enter a dark abyss. I turn on the light switch to no avail. I panic a bit. I turn on other switches all over the house and I’m still covered in a thick layer of darkness. I panic, stumble blindly from one room to another, screaming for help and trying to get the darkness off my body. No, I’m exaggerating. I have a flair for drama and I get carried away sometimes. I get my torch and find out the reason for this darkness. I see a notice that looks very...Forget it! There is no word equivalent to it.

Dear Sandy,

Find the key on your table that unlocks the switch box.

Regards,

XXXX

Who in the world can put a note on a dark wall and expects me to read it?

Finally I lighten my room and check into that seedy room. Surprisingly my room looks way different than I left it few hours ago. It looks hauntingly familiar for all the wrong reasons. I think I’ve seen many a porn movie shot in this very room. I can’t be too sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Well, even if you don’t wonder and ponder these mysteries, I’ll enlighten you.

She noticed a cute German with me who helped me in moving that morning. So she put her 60 year old rusted brain to use and bought this effect.

So, there I was, almost in the middle of the night, in the stupidest room with all roses around and some weird room fragrance along with a bottle of wine, and I sit here on the chair, where I’m vaguely sure that many a pretty chick has done it doggy style. The creepy blue lights and a transparent bathroom add to the cheesiness.

Yes. The bathroom / toilet has a TRANSPARENT wall. F*** you very much, landlady.

I seriously doubt if she is amusing herself with this stupid act or genuinely proving her stand or mocking my singleton :P

Anyways, as Einstein said " Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

How to piss people off?

 Of course! It’s an art to do on daily basis. As I have already told you that it needs effort to be stupid than not being it. And the best part is stupidity +Ego= Heights. I really want to tell you about a person who have been living with a motto of pissing people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” And his golden words are- “we need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me”!

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of his existence. So here I present tips learnt from this great soul would have mastered the art.

 We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. (I see...)So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked, stabbed in the back, kicked, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention. For gals, you need no effort, just go and talk your heart out during your period cycle. That serves all the purpose!

Pissing Men Off

Quite Easy- take a dig at their manhood. Tell them their girlfriends are awesome and hot. Take the liberty in explicitly describing her. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Talk about their EX girlfriends and their extemporary desires for every damn silly gal. At that time you correct them on what they are doing, I am sure they will get defensive and fart out their ego. Of course, what else they can do.  Point out every mistake of theirs, then your mission is accomplished.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favourite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around!

Pissing Women Off

Specially, you should know how to piss off a gal from the guy who did it!

Given that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. Till I was 18, I thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

These are way too trivial. You should try something like this guy did. Be a guy with half knowledge, wavering mind and untidily maintained and flaunt off saying it’s a geek style.

Secondly, talk utter nonsense and claim you are next to Einstein the world, no perhaps the GOD. Adding to it, go challenge her skills where she was awarded the prime laurels. Be on the other side of the world burning with jealousy. Finally, say you are the ego killer. LOL! She would definitely kick in your nuts but if she is sensible enough, she would just laugh at u and show your level.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Psychology says women are way too matured, organised and talented than other men of their age. So panga with gals might cost a huge loss for you, honey! You still wanna do, go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little!

Attitude you receive from a person is how you treat them!

Cupid 's guide for Dummies

Single people are single for a reason. They are hideously ugly, dangerously misinformed about human anatomy or just plain unlucky, among other weirder reasons. For people who’re currently single, which includes me, ironically, I’ve decided to roll out a brand new strategy for attracting members of the opposite sex.

But I prefer to favour men this time with the tips so that next time someone who approaches me for a date will at least know what a women wants. 

Men, who would want to try out their luck in wooing a woman and want some inside information on how to go about doing this without being slapped in public, can read this with the assurance that you won’t be disappointed. If women want to read this, please do, it’s probably going to make you smile at how little men know about women.

Tips to Men:

Ok, first things first, my fellow readers – ask yourself the following three questions and if and only if the answer to all three is “Yes” then continue. Otherwise, this post is not for you. Women, ignore the previous two sentences.

1. Are you a man?

2. Have you ever had a crush before?

3. Was your crush a woman?

Ok, now that we’ve eliminated the kids and the fairies, let’s get down to some serious information distribution session!

Women hate nerds! Don’t show off your intelligence to women! Act dumb! Not too dumb, because that could be a huge turn-off! And for heaven sake, do not argue even you have a logic. Show them that you’re a perfectly normal, average guy, who flunks a couple of exams and yet manages to get placed in a pretty nice company. And I don’t mean a call-center! Call center guys are NOT the ‘hot trend’ nowadays!

Let’s take a hypothetical example, you’ll understand better. Suppose there is this really really hot chick whom you want to ask for a dinner. First thing you should do is to drop the idea! She’s not in your league and all the hot chicks are already taken. So, look elsewhere.

Suppose there is a fairly hot and very cute girl, who’s single and whom you’re interested in. Now, we’re talking! You have a chance to score a romantic dinner here! The formula is very simple – wear a black leather jacket over a very white round-neck T-shirt and wear blue jeans and brown hiking boots. Don’t overdo the bling factor because you’ll look gay. No earrings, no rings on your fingers and most of all, no silver/gold watches that dangle!

Secondly, remember to compliment her every time you find something attractive.Be gentle and be nice .

Bus, train and chokri are precious! Respect them as your time factor. 

Walk real slow when you’re in their company and give them ample time to look at you and make their opinion. Even if you’re in a hurry, whenever you pass her seat, slow down and walk in real slow-motion. It helps. Do not bank on finding women in your new school or college or your new workplace. Go and hunt them out in all the places you never usually visit. The fact that you don’t visit these places and the fact that you’re single might give you a clue.

Bald men are considered hot by some women, so before you go shaving off your precious hair, try to get the girl to tell you if she likes bald men. Not all men look good without hair. Some men have an unnatural bulge in their faces, and if you remove your hair, you look like something the cat dragged in. Big turn-off, don’t do it!

The type of watch you wear plays a huge role in whether the girl accepts your offer of dinner. I suggest something black, not too flashy and something that doesn’t have hearts or bubbles on their faces. The hands of the watch must NOT by Mickey Mouse’s gloved hands!

Women like music, as a rule. Some like house/trace music and some of them prefer soft rock. Other freaky women prefer really really heavy/death metal music, and a few of these strange women will probably turn you into a druggie of you get too close. So, be careful and don’t get into any more trouble than you already are.

Asking a woman out on a date is quite a tricky situation and can lead to disastrous effects. From a simple “No” to spending a night in the city jail, anything could happen depending on how you ask them out. Some despo-self-help books will tell you that the direct approach is the best way, but take my word for it, it’s not! Asking her out has to be a long-drawn arduous process in which, her tastes and dislikes has to properly researched. Since this depends on individual women, I won’t say much on this, except that you should not go up to the girl and say, “Hi, Wanna eat?”

The choice of restaurant is also vital in building a fruitful relationship with the girl. Don’t take vegetarian girls to Barbeque Nation or KFC!!

Being funny is absolutely vital, but make sure people are laughing at your jokes and not at you. It’s easy to get confused. And if they’re laughing at you, then laugh with them and call yourself a moron, because some girls like that!

Be charming, be witty and be dumb. I know you’re probably very confused by now, but I can tell you that once you read this post again, you’ll feel really confident on approaching that girl of your dreams. Just don’t make it a nightmare.

Hope the force is with you ! May you be a martian guy and win a Venutian women:-)

THE NRIs .....

After travelling to most of the hot hubs for opportunity ..this is something I observed out of my sheer curiosity about Indians in foreign land.

Most of us including me ofcourse, NRIs, strive to blend in into their foreign society. It’s amusing to observe some of the measures we undertake:

We start rolling our “r”s. unfortunately we can never pronounce Rs like the natives do. So we end up sounding as if we had some vocal cord deformity.

Most us who never wore shorts in life start wearing shorts as soon as we enter the foreign land, choosing completely to ignore the visual abomination we perpetrate. Indians who venture into wearing shorts should take a look at themselves in the mirror. If ones legs look like bamboos with hair on them, one must avoid shorts at all costs.

Start following local sports such as football. Then we discuss these sports loudly with the localities at the water-cooler as if we have been watching these sports all our life

Try our hand at wit and make jokes when in a group. Humour is a very cultural thing. Unless practised with caution, it often ends up with a bunch of blank stares in one’s direction.

Start using profanity. We used to say “What the hell, yaar!” Now we say “What the fuck”. We think using the language employed by plumbers and construction workers takes us one step closer to being native!

Start drinking beer. Half my friends who drink beer never drank alcohol before. Now they drink beer to look cool at a party.

When a new comer to Germany says “First floor” to refer to second floor, that is, the one floor above ground floor, we act all confused and lost.

When at meetings, we put our feet up on the table/chair and we keep them there no matter who else in the cube/meeting room, just to prove to ourselves that we are cool.

Start pronouncing my name as Sand-iya.. rather Sandhya... or short it down to Sandieeee...!

“Most of us” does not mean “all of us.” Not all NRIs exhibit aforementioned symptoms and not all of them exhibit all the symptoms.

A Bit of Patriotism

People around me think Indians are either poor and complicated or dumb and weird.
Whatever we Indians are we are the best .
Poor ..hehahha.. Come, see our weddings !
Complicated.. Yes ! You need brains to understand us and our diversity :-)
Weird -Haan bhai ! Hum ko family matlab everyone we have known or acquainted with ...
We speak English in 28 ways !
We are best in Business, finance, Maths, philosophy ,medicine and of course corruption too.No country is blessed to have congress corruption roots strong !
Well In business , Bargaining power and ability is the highest with us .In fact it is in our blood.
Finance - Chindigiri karna koyi hum se seeke-Courtesy Marwadis, Gujjus and Tams.
Maths : Even rikshawala to PM of the country can do it for free! free! free!
Medicine : Come to Charminar ... Medicine is given for EVERYTHING

Over all ... This video below reminded me of INDIA , friends , education , culture and everything !
Have a look and feel proud to be an Indian :-)

A lot can happen over a coffee:P

Well….This is what we B School fresh-faces do in break. Either bird –watching or chic watching and then curse for being single. Being in a group of 14 boys, A and I never got a chance to feel that we are girls. Minimum we have 4-5 guys are around us at any given point of time (Exceptions are also there). Typically like the late 90’s Bollywood movies with college backdrop where hero with his 4-5 followers. As A is always travelling, probably it is only ME whom is mostly seen in the university.

Being with all this smart asses, I too picked up the guys’ lingo for gals.

Asset – A hot chic

Liability – Unwanted nerd in the group study

Insurer- Hooker

Customer engagement management- A pimp

Customer satisfaction – gal showing off skin

Price Management – A date within the budget and many more.

One day, probably my dress or the divine realisation within them made them think I am girl and needs attention too. As usual we found our way to fire place and started our usual talk. For the first time, a firang (Foreigner) entered our league. Guess y? Not for group study or assignment or anything related to acads.

This guy E walks up and calls me out to a side and asks me for a cup of coffee lake side.Before my green turned friends could say something , even I thought I need a break for these desi sophisticated chichoras.

Then E and I settled down on the bank of Rhien River and started talking about the last class we attended together. This Italian looked awesome. For the first time I noticed a guy in my class after 2 months of stay. I think Italians are quite explicit in expressing their feelings romantically about beauty and nature.

After a long poetic conversation, he finally asks me about myself. My likes and what as a friend I would share.

Finally feeling like a gal, I just started off on a very high note.

You see I am turning old

My memories are fading.

My hair is falling.

I worry about the size of my ass-its increasing with my age.

(He kept his decency in checking it out)

I talk too much.

I think too much.

I'm way too good for anyone else.

I put alarms to wake up at 3 am to listen to music when everything else is quiet.

Everything about 3 am is awesomely beautifully depressing.

I want my voice range to be 4 octaves. Sigh!

(I expected him to understand that I sing and ask me to sing for him)

I'm not fat-I'm just bombacious-vivacious-curvacious-ohmygodaciously generously layered with extra tissue.

So I have an ego problem.

Most guy friends I have fallen for me sometime or the other-I'm not sure if that’s good or bad.

I'm sick of being called cute. Where is that smart outgoing sexy image?

I like earthy people.

 I wanna sing great gig in the sky with a big bunch of friends in the dead of night on top of a hill,with a bonfire burning and screams and laughter echoing.

Detachment is my strength and my weakness.

I never get bored of myself.

I love planning surprises and making stuff for people.

I'm not a movie person. I haven’t seen tons of good movies. I’m too restless to sit thru a movie.

I don’t watch many sitcoms like most people like.

No, I am NOT a boring person!

I think I’m morphing into a guy. Thanks to that bunch of friends I have around.

I can’t live abroad without Indian food 

I hate tall buildings.

Neutral colours of things abroad put me off. Everything there is either grey black white or blue. Or grey again.

I'm either singing or extremely quiet when high.

I smell pages of books.

I can’t see myself 20 years from now Or even 10.

Or even 1 and half years from now.

(Thats cuz i dont have a time machine......)

I make really bad jokes sometimes.

Other times I’m just awesomely witty.

I've done the craziest things ever in the past 2 months.

Most of the mistakes I've made were worth making.

I've invented words and snigs -My best was this word "flouge" rhyming with rouge...which means Trouble.

I love my friends...each n every one of them. So much...

I laugh a lot.

I like bright things.

I rarely regret things even if I do something wrong on an impulse.

I regret breaking someone's heart.

I contradict myself.

I have a very very very bad temper which I struggle to keep under control.

I suffer from foot in mouth syndrome.

I used to go the library 3rd floor just to watch the trains pass by. Also used to count how many boogies goods trains have.

I listen to JLo and the Pussycat Dolls sometimes.

There's nothing like walking on the bunds thru paddy fields.

There's nothing like a rooftop parrdyyy with gooood moosik.

I try to be as non-judgemental as possible.

I drool if I sleep flat.

I'm generally stable n steady.

I'm gonna experience everything in life.

I'm crazy about philosophy.

I hate preachy books.

I have loose hinges-I move my hands n head a lot while speaking.

I discover new awesomeness about myself every day.

Smoke rings fascinate me but I hate smokers

I judge how fat I am by examining how many veins show at the back of my hand.

I have to ride a water bike, water ski and see Mt. Everest before I die.

I sometimes long for shoes with lights.

I'm known for being clumsy and hurting myself every time.

I can’t lead a slow life-I need to be busy, I need a dynamic fast paced life.

I can’t follow a routine- I get bored of things easily.

I'm good with people.

I'm crazy about business.

I need to figure out how to get rich soon.

I'm getting nowhere.

I'm quite satisfied with my 23 years of life. Phew!

Can you imagine I just spoke this out in one go?

Poor guy was dumb stuck and took 5 minutes to regain himself.

Then we walked back to the place where my friends were waiting.

My friends pounced upon me for details. Worth a karva chaut or not !

After that day, E just smiles at me and drops me an email but never dared to talk to me again except hi! This is what happened with couple of other boys after E:-P

The Most UN(answered) Questions Of The World!

I have been wondering if I can ever get answers for these...then I found the genius K who can answer my every question. My instant reaction would be (* wooooowww* u r suchaaaa Einstein* muaaahhhh … U r just the light in my life…) probably that might be in a hypothetical situation .

Well, certainly reality is * bang-my-head * expression and *kill me * expression.

OK! Here are few such questions and genius answers. ** Evil Smirk** uahhahahhaha!

Q. Are unripe oranges called greens?

A.  They are called yellow and ripen one is called red. (Shades of colors)

Yeah! I totally got you: P… Aage bado

Q. Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards?

A. No, it’s happy coincidence just like having you for a coffee.

Oh..For coffee episode...u need to talk to K …he would explain it better:- D.. Specially the CCD one: -P or drop me a mail…

Q. Crime doesn't pay . . . does that mean that my job is a crime?

A. Probably it is not under law, which is why it broke the equality.

(Everyone is equal in eyes of law is meant! Ok…I got your * kill me * expression)

Q. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

A. Such an unexpected way of expecting answer.

Q. Do fish get thirsty?

A. No because they are not followers of Morarji Desai Urine Therapy.

Q. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A. They don’t bother, the just drink the served soup.

Q. Do penguins have knees?

A. They don’t need to have because they are not going to get wedded in Indian tradition where you fall on knees for everything.

 Yaaayyyyy ! Join the club of insanity... Imagine my plight, he is my boy friend!

Q. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

A. Yeah, just after I fell in love with you.

*Rolling eyes*

Q. How do you get off a non-stop flight?

A. When “Nan” (Tamil) tells to stop.

Q. If mummies are from Egypt, then from where are daddies from?

A. From bio shock series  

* Do-u –mind –stuffing –ur –geekness –below –the belt* expression

Q. If a brown cow eats green grass why is it's milk white?

A. Because it shits black.

*U r SICK* U need help !

Q. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

A. On their Seats (buttocks)

Q. If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?

A. Should wait till his personality splits in a cop.

Q. If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers?

A. To sell it in Hamburg (forget not the grin he gave after the answer)

Q. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

A. They are also in shape. RoundJ

Q. If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't I have more free time?

A. Employee Engagement

Q. If you're going at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

A. Question invalid if I am on harry potter’s broomstick.

* Utter Maniacness *

Q. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

A. Probably that is why I was spared by my last date.

Q. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

A. Easy! Suck out the water along with the sponges and release them to measure.

Q. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

A. I will try not endangering me.

* Fu***ing! What’s the logic??*

Q. Where does the white go when the snow melts?

A. To the Snow White

Q. Why call it a building if it's already been built?

A. Because they don’t know tenses.

 * Kill me * expression 

Q. Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

A. Day has a heart. It loves moons. Hearing this night trips and falls since it is dark.

Q. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

A. To show that the one who puts it on is not dumb

* Lamest of the all *

Q. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A. Watch Rush hour series to get some light

Q. Name a fly without wings?

A. Walk

Q. Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am beautiful because you love me?

A. Absurd question because neither of the things are true.

 *aarrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Well...that is it about my genius counterpart: D ..the so called Agastya of contemporary world. 

I understand your excitement in meeting him … Sure! Why not: D . The day is not very far!

Words are a bit muffled, almost as if they are being placed under a pillow upon which sits a stupid, fat, smiling dog

My regular travels and hang outs with people has made me write this; my only way to vent out the true fascination for you all. Your behavior puzzles my little brain. Sometimes I stop gazing in daze at you all. It forces me to reconsider principles which I long believed to simply be beyond change.

First I would want to thank the wonderful species called BOYS.I swear, you are the most entertaining crowd I have even seen. But honestly I lay in all those doubts that have been troubling my otherwise peaceful existence.

1.       What is with all the pony tails? Genuinely. What makes you think that it looks good? Or are you trying to look creative? Or are all of you trying to show your metro sexuality or whatever it is that you must have read in ToI’s latest fashion advice column? Moment of honesty: It looks fuckin retarded. Really. And don’t even think of pulling out the head band. You are not Ronaldinho and you sure as fukin hell like the Chotta Bheem.

2.        Just a benefit of doubt.  Why do all of you purposely buy t-shirts one size small or are all of you particularly short of cash? Is there some sort of shortage of cloth in and around the country? I am sorry but I really do not want to see how cold you are feeling, if you know what I mean. And all you bulging biceps chappies better be it crappies, save it for the gym dude.

3.        What is it with the drinking in the car thingy? Not allowed to drink in front of mommy, are we? Heard about something which is commonly referred to as a “bar”? Well they exist, trust me: these perfectly legal (sometimes stinky) places where you can drink your way to full talli levels. Try it out for a change.

4.       Why is it that if I stare deep into your eyes [hypothetically] I find a deep cavern of mind-numbing dumbness? It is almost like looking into the eyes of a lab rat. I can actually see the brain [very, very basic model] crunching away squeaking with effort every time any non-monosyllabic word is uttered.

5.       Why do you open your mouths? Trust me, you would be far successful with the ladies if you just kept silent, pouted once in a while and maybe grunt a “yaa” every now and then.

6.       What is with the whole riding bikes while wearing chaddis thing? The ultimate [pronounced ulti-maaate yaar] is the boxer-baniyan combo where you get to see ample amounts of leg and chest/back hair.

Now, I come to those set of people who are called the baby –dolls, probably in the alien planet. Trust me; you gals are no less to be called elegant bear of THE BRAVE.I mean the mommy bear.

1.       What is with that hair? chidiya ka ghosla ?seriously . What’s with those retard colors on them? Ask me about it, you’re no close to that COOL look ah.

2.       Use stoles and clothes but not blankets. Spare it for home purpose.

3.       You eating junk is no amusement for people in and around 2 streets. So shut the fuckin drama of jumping, creeping and yelling.

4.       What do your bags contain? Really. Do you stomp the entire house into the bag and bring? Why are they so huge and heavier than u, li’l birds?

5.       What is the overflowing thick goo from your faces? Is it something to do for you good looking? Trust me; you guys look so vampire-ish that sometimes all of you together budge into my dreams.

Almost my every evening went spending with couples and for next few days till I am here, will be the same. So before I go meet few more, here is my open love for all you guys!

Yes. You, my dear couples!

Stop feeling sorry for me. Stop trying to set me up. If I need your assistance, I will ask. Promise.

Stop making out in front of me (pretty please?).

Stop looking so lovey dovey that it makes me want to puke.

Stop dressing alike. You have no idea how incestuous it really looks.

Stop using your precious nicknames in front of me. I really, really, really don’t wanna know what poochie woochie did to your goochi hoochie. I swear.

Stop inviting me to your meals. I don’t need no kebab to feel the haddi if you know what I mean. And last of all, stop sharing every fuckin detail of your lives with each other.Tell one of you something and get a response from the other! In fri'gin seconds.

What the bloody fuck man?

A little bit of me ..

Well not everyone can be lucky to have great realizations of life. Its only rain most of the times, caused the greatest consciousness of rush in hormones in me. Now if you ask me what exactly that means… hold on …I have a real different explanation for this.

This is what happened to me when I’m close to the end my school life. I have had some serious problems of life. Everything was so weird to me. I mean every possible existence of the world.

1. Childhood friends are forever and they are the only one who would go to any extent to win a chocolate. .For example: dare the sumo of the class for arm wrestling .We also wear the same color clothes to show our love for each other

2. Teachers are people. They are also humans. If not, they teach mathematics.

3. High school is a little piece of your adult education. It is practicable only during bachelors. If you did not, you are either zombie or you are a juvenile stuck in a boobster.

4. Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. Few are mad, few are disoriented and few are fanatics but all are your friends.

5. Ghosts do not exist. If existing, they come only when bunch of friends’ night out and talk about them. Oh wait... these are night ghosts. Day ghosts are those who wait at the school gates like jackasses to track us where we are, colloquially called as watch men.

6. You don’t get pregnant if you kiss unlike shown in desi movies.

7. Google and Wikipedia are only sources for any information. Any information which are censored in biology books.

8. Text books are the black and white version of your teachers. They are never entertaining and cannot be too.

9. Propose means ...”I LOVE U”

10. Siblings are nothing but crude version of mythological villains. They are born to hate u. So are their friends.

11. Gays and Lesbians are also some breed of human not any species of dogs.

12. School means not only 1st to 10th standard. There are various other schools also.

13. Even if you have a boy friend, you can still talk to other male species.

14. Fuck and Sex are not biology.

15. Principal hails from other planet and mathematics teachers too. English teachers are from heaven.

16. X is not just a letter, it is the attitude. Wtf?

17. Best moments are not to be caught even while sleeping in History class.

18. Best bike in the world is your bicycle which you pedal it to school.

19. Chemistry is no more a subject. It has a greater meaning.

20. Well… What I talk is mostly Nonsense-aaya Namaha: D and my biograhy is nothing but chronicles of Dementia.

Hey U, I am here ...

Blacky don’t bark at me.
I ain’t no stranger.
I live just 3 blocks away.
I happen to go home late in the night most of the days. My neighborhood is a fairly calm place, where not many are on the road after 8 pm. This leaves me as the lone person walking on the road most of the times.

There is always some song that keeps running in the back of my mind like a distant radio. And when I am alone these songs come out of my mouth that  I sing that to myself.

Here is a situation song from Green Day that comes to my mind:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I walk alone

Well I would be wrong if I say I walk alone. There are quite a few street dogs that walk, run, <censored> , and fight at that time.

And like any other gangs, this ‘gang of dogs’ has a gang leader. He is small; He is black, and He is mad as hell, as my boss at work. I think the other dogs think he belongs to an occult society; otherwise there is no reason why they allowed him to be the self proclaimed leader that he is.

For me he is as soothing as Himesh Reshamiya’s “Suroooorrrrrrr: , and as lovely as Rakhi’s face.

This Chief, for some reasons best known to him, doesn’t like the sight of me singing to myself and walking. Had he met Himesh, he would have changed his opinion.

He barks, barks as loud as a trumpet on a Bose speaker, whenever he sees me. Then all his accomplices come running from all over the place barking and supporting his cause (Which I am totally unaware of)

What’s worse is that the dogs inside the houses too join this moment and bark, howl and do what not.

One day I stopped while the Chief was barking at me. He came running, barking and making gestures at me. And some how he got an intuition that it’s better not to come near me, so he applied breaks, skidded of the road and stopped, but still he didn’t stop his barking. See...Something is scared of me at last!

Somehow I did not wanna show my fear to it. I said... see blacky...I am better than you in all ways...

1. I am fairer than you
2. I am taller than you
3. I have more teeth than you...
4. I have huge family than yours.
5. And I have better fan than yours
6. I have better voice than yours

So back off…

See... be a wise man. Do not battle with the stronger...
And then I walked my way... There really come the huge pursue...
Damn... I walk, ran, jump... And then flew...

I happen to land in a warm place but unfortunately in the wet dunk like all those Maharanis of olden days have their mud bath.
And if you haven’t figured it out yet, yes, the first three lines of this post are of the song I am writing for him.

Waise bhi I don’t write for dogs... so that is it...
Phir kya hua??
Kya hoga… I went home and cleaned up the shit and slept...

And then on...Stopped walking in the nights...

Hum kisise kam nahi ..

First thing Hyderabadis are known for is their DUM-KA-BIRYANI but forget not their masha Allah Hindi...
They are more amusing than any... Trust me, not even the zoo …

Here go few of them :-)

An archetypal daily practiced conduct:

• He goes to gas station to fill and says "Paanch point single oil daalo". 
• He says "Abbi aatau miyaa" and vanishes for couple of hours or does not come back at all. 
• He sleeps around 1 am and wakes only after 9:30 am. 
• He drinks half cup of tea at least 6 times and buys only 1 gold flake cigarette. 

And mention not their eating habits:

• If they do not eat rice at least once a day they will die. 
• For them the only good dishes on earth are Hyderabadi biryani, Nahari, Haleem, Khatti daal, Tamataun ka saalan, Bhendi ka sherwa, Dhai ki kadi, Paalak ki bhaaji, Aaloo baigan, Gawaar ki phalli, Kheema aloo methi. Khaagina, Khichdi,Boti ka saalan, Khadi daal, Bagaara khaana daalcha,Mirchiyaa bhajiye,Khubaani ka mittha, Kaddu ki kheer and Fruit salad . 

Once in a week he will visit Alhamdulillah, Bismillah to eat Kalyaani biryani.

Best places for hangouts are irani café (any branch) . Mention not their hygiene. They have more relatives than the piercing houseflies around to squeeze each other.

New Generation (Males):

• 2 out of 3 are Sharukh, Amir or Salman Khan.He feels offended if someone looks at him "Kaiku ghoorra miya??" 
• They only want to become Engineer, Doctor or MBA. 
• For most of them US visa is a dream and Saudi visa a blessing. 
• Most of the boys spend their precious time at "gali ke nukkad pe", "chabootre pe", "hotelon mein", girls college, playing billiards, chatting on internet, teasing girls, changing mobile phones and spend their parents hard earned money. 
• "Her ladke ki Amrika ki koshish chalte rehti aur side mein Landan ki bhi ya phir Bhaunai Saudi se visa bhejne waale rehte". 

New Generation (Females):

• If she is not studying at "St Ann’s or Vijay Marie" then she is not studying at all, Shadaan College is a compromise. 
• Stanley is the only school and college for girls from Old city. 
• Begums is the most preferred beauty parlor. 
• Most of them would not like to wear sharaara for the second time, “Her shaadi mein nayaa sharaara chaahiye". 
• Most of them say" Main kapde sirf Neerus OR Meena bazaar se hi leti hun". 
• Par actually shopping means only "chudi " @ old city . 

Par kambakth … kabhi kapde hi nahi dekte.. 

Finding a Match (Ladke waale):

All most all the cases are dealt by Marriage Bureau.
A team of a dozen goes to see the girl (to eat pastries, bananas, fruit biscuits)
When they return home after seeing the girl, someone from the family says"badi se manjli ke aankh naak ache hai nai".
Her kisi ko gori ladki chahiye,if they want to reject they say" Ladki ka khad aur rang kam hai,hamare bachhe ki height achi hai"(5'6").
They say "Ladke ku family visa bhi hai",even if he makes 3000 riyals and "Ladke ka kafeel bhaut acha hai,tanqaa badaataun bola shaadi ke baad"."Inter fail ladke ku bhi Graduate ladki honaa".

Finding a Match (Ladki waale):

Almost all ads say"Ladki soum aur salaah ki paaband hai" and "Shaadi mein jaldi hai, ladki ke bhai baaher se aaye hue hai".
Advertisements sometimes clearly mention"Ladke ku kaarobaar bhi lagaa ke denge" or "Azad visa bhi denge" or "Ladki ke naam pe jaaydaad hai" (500 gaz ka plot,makaan ya phir flat).
Hyderabadi parents only look for US/Canadian Immigrants or Gulf settled - Deen ki nisbat pe rishte karne waale aaj kal bahut kam honge.

Finally Shaadi ke Din....... 
If there is no dinner a lot of them are disappointed, they say "Kya jaate miya gaadi ka kiraya daal ke,kheench nai hai".

Many still take “Jode ki rakham" and if you ask Dulhe raja he will say "Mereku nai maloom,Ammi Abba baat karliye,main toh nakko bola sheikh".

These days nikaah takes place at masjid but the jahez(dowry) reaches grooms home late night when neighbors are in deep in sleep.

Invitations clearly mention that nikaah is at 7pm but Dulhe raja arrives at 8:30 pm,9 pm,9:30 pm and soon after nikaah people are desperately waiting for someone to announce "Aaiiye" (call for dinner).

They are crazy about chicken"Poori dish undal lete mauka mile to".

Pehle Haleem khaate fir chicken fir biryani fir chicken aur fir chicken fir qubani ka mittha fir kaddu ki kheer aur fir aakhri mein he puts some dahi ki chatni on his palm and starts licking it.

When he is done with food he needs a cigarette and then the discussion on the quality of food starts.

Hyderabadis in Gulf:

Ek doosre ki taang kheechte rehte wahan per.

Nayaa nayaa jo bhi aata usko bolte"Kaiku aaye miya,kya hai yaan pe,sab khatam hogaya,sirf khurchan baaqi hai (Lower level of cooked rice),

waipe kuch bhi kerlena tha".

PS: Mind you, I’m neither a critic nor trying to discriminate; I not only love Hyderabad but also the Hyderabadis.