"Sick-Fun"

Spring is in the air!  It is time for nasty allergies and unpleasant flu.  You may probably call in sick one time or the other.  But did you and your boyfriend both fall sick and took the day off at the same time?  If you didn’t, let me tell ya, this situation provides numerous unexplored romantic opportunities.  Just because you both are sick like dogs, clinging to bed with aching body, bouts of cough, pounding headache and high fever, it doesn’t mean you can’t make it romantic and fun.

Here are the top ten things to do to spice up your sick day when you and your spouse both are home sick:

10. Impersonate movie actors in your soar-throat aided husky voice

9. Play thermometer race.  Stick digital thermometers in your mouths and see whose beeps first

8. Just in case there is ever such event, practice for Olympic Synchronized Coughing

7. Sit out in the backyard and chat over a hot cup of Theraflu

6. Forget staring contest.  Try “who can go longest without wiping nose” contest

5. You played drinking games, didn’t you?  Try this: watch daytime tabloid talk shows and take a cough syrup shot every time a word is bleeped out

4. If your noses are completely blocked, see how long you can kiss before you gasp for air.  Can you hit the magic 1 minute mark?

3. Hide a Tylenol capsule in your layers of clothing and let him/her search for it

2. One word.  69!  Give each other foot-massages

1. To declare your undying love for each other, exchange your nasal sprays

Okie …Well this is what I get to see all day by my roomies and I sit there like a frozen Eskimo!

sources: Twisted DNA

Fraaandship &&^*(*?

I'm sure most of you have had this experience before. There’s this freaky gal whom I have had the misfortune of having a friendship with. According to her, we’re the “best-est of friends” and according to me, she’s an unwanted piece of garbage who just doesn't know when she’s not needed and just doesn't understand the fact that she’s a burden on this earth! I pity her. If you look at her face, the word “dumb” pops in your mind. Her body fat is unevenly distributed, her eyes are lop-sided, her brain is in the wrong place, and she would be automatically entered into the mentally-challenged Olympics if she went anywhere near the venue! If she wasn't dropped on her head as a child, I seriously wonder what sort of parenting she had to go through to turn out as she has.

I may be a bit too harsh on her, but that’s the way she is. I can’t help it. She can do anything to be in someone’s good books but unfortunately she doesn’t know that it purely reflects her dumbness. Would you believe that I’m actually down-playing this mentally-challenged embarrassment to nature who thinks I am her friend?

Anyway, I had lent this gal 8 euros, a small amount considering the amount of money I get. This was over a month ago. She promptly forgot about it until I gently reminded her that she owes me. She immediately made out a promise note for 8 bucks and gave it to me. Now, this was the first time I was handling a promise note and I was like, “Baby, it’s ok! You can give me the cash when you have it. No hurry!”

So, she said, “No honey, take it. I don’t want to keep you waiting!” I was surprised but hey, money’s money. So, I took it and waited for a week.Oh wait , please do not confuse with the original promise note. 

Her promise note was like this :

" Hey Buddy,

Despite your money constraint you lent me money for filling my stomach with a meal. I am grateful. It's time to give it back but unfortunately my card pin is missing and would get one tomorrow. I will draw and give it to you. Till then keep my 500 rupees note with you . Kill me if I am not giving you .

Love you !

XXXXX"

Finally, she told me to come near some godforsaken building on some highway to collect the money.  I was a bit scared and was wondering if she was going to kill me in that secluded place and make it look like an accident or something. I had no idea how her under-developed mind worked. Her single knock can make me handicapped for life time. She finally showed up after making me wait an hour and handed the money over to me. I asked her why she called me so far away from civilization. Instead of replying, he put his hand inside her pocket and the gesture made me freak out. I was about to shout bloody murder, when she took out her mobile and said, “Come here”. That even freaked me out. I was wondering a stick body like mine do not need any fucking other souls to kill , her elephant body is enough.

Then entered a tiny creature who must be a cross breed of squirrel and monkey. And she introduces him to be my potential boyfriend. But from which angle? He talks as if he is sentenced to death the next second asking for all lame desires of his life.

I walked with those demented freaks to a coffee to fulfil the loser’s long lasting desire and went home, where my roomies had something even crazier with this retard.

A little bit of me ..

Well not everyone can be lucky to have great realizations of life. Its only rain most of the times, caused the greatest consciousness of rush in hormones in me. Now if you ask me what exactly that means… hold on …I have a real different explanation for this.

This is what happened to me when I’m close to the end my school life. I have had some serious problems of life. Everything was so weird to me. I mean every possible existence of the world.

1. Childhood friends are forever and they are the only one who would go to any extent to win a chocolate. .For example: dare the sumo of the class for arm wrestling .We also wear the same color clothes to show our love for each other

2. Teachers are people. They are also humans. If not, they teach mathematics.

3. High school is a little piece of your adult education. It is practicable only during bachelors. If you did not, you are either zombie or you are a juvenile stuck in a boobster.

4. Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. Few are mad, few are disoriented and few are fanatics but all are your friends.

5. Ghosts do not exist. If existing, they come only when bunch of friends’ night out and talk about them. Oh wait... these are night ghosts. Day ghosts are those who wait at the school gates like jackasses to track us where we are, colloquially called as watch men.

6. You don’t get pregnant if you kiss unlike shown in desi movies.

7. Google and Wikipedia are only sources for any information. Any information which are censored in biology books.

8. Text books are the black and white version of your teachers. They are never entertaining and cannot be too.

9. Propose means ...”I LOVE U”

10. Siblings are nothing but crude version of mythological villains. They are born to hate u. So are their friends.

11. Gays and Lesbians are also some breed of human not any species of dogs.

12. School means not only 1st to 10th standard. There are various other schools also.

13. Even if you have a boy friend, you can still talk to other male species.

14. Fuck and Sex are not biology.

15. Principal hails from other planet and mathematics teachers too. English teachers are from heaven.

16. X is not just a letter, it is the attitude. Wtf?

17. Best moments are not to be caught even while sleeping in History class.

18. Best bike in the world is your bicycle which you pedal it to school.

19. Chemistry is no more a subject. It has a greater meaning.

20. Well… What I talk is mostly Nonsense-aaya Namaha: D and my biograhy is nothing but chronicles of Dementia.

Jogging Chronicles

Remember, in my last few posts, I have been telling you about my jogging mania. This post is totally dedicated to all those guys out there on the roads in fluorescent orange and green polo neck-skin tight-t-shirts whose eyes pop out of their heads and behave like magnets attracted towards the feminine species. I just realized to write a whole entry in honor of those idiots who can make a simple walk on the road seem like a daunting yet hilarious experience at the same time. As for those guys who do it outside college... Get a life... I’m going to narrate a couple of things that I've seen them do which had me in splits of laughter!!!

Since it was a rainy day, my friend and I decided to jog in our residential area only and we saw a couple of gals walking towards the music academy across the lane. Both of them had guitars we slung on them which were cased in black. We both were almost behind them and were walking down along heir path. That is when two guys on a scooter passed us, and one of the idiots screamed "OHO!!! Sania Mirza!!!”The man did not know the difference between a guitar and a tennis racquet. All four of us broke into loud laughter which actually made the people living in that lane peep out of their windows.

On another fateful day, I was walking to my office and a few college students were waiting at the bus stop ahead. A boy, who must have been barely 15 years old, went by them on a bicycle singing out loudly and totally out of tune "Mere Sapno Ki Rani Kab Aayegi Tu..." One of those girls he was singing for said "Chal Hat!!" and the poor chap was so shocked that he lost balance and fell off. Then he hurriedly got up to pick up his cycle and ran the rest of the way.

Finally and probably the most common roadside act... We were passing by a couple of people at a chai stall and almost like a reflex action, three people’s hands moved to their ears. They started screaming.. "Hallo!!! Salim Bhai!!!" or"Namaste Mama..." into mobile phones which had not even been ringing audibly. Isn’t it a real co incidence that all the mobile phones in silent mode tend to ring at the precise moment when someone they want to impress passes by them.I could only remember one person today when this happened, Salim Pheku from "The Angrez".Those who haven’t seen that movie ( specially Hyderabadis) simply have to!

Jay -Veeru and my story

Well, yes I had been away for a while from blogging. Was busy catching up the year-end work pressures and busy attending knowledge sharing sessions across the city. Here I write about one of the funniest sessions I ever had. In fact ,recovering from the last session I had.
There was this interesting “Out of the box “theme going on the previous week with one of the clubs I visit. We were asked to come up with something non- existing yet virtually possible.And we were given few questionnaire too so that the object needs to satisfy all the mentioned skills namely history of the object . Why, how it was made. Its performance ,its unique selling points and price.

I was all excited to take part cuz its one of the premiere meets of the month. I found out from the guest list.It had quite a few CEO's and COO's of the top MNC's.

At the session:

I was in an illusion that it is going to be the most informal networking session. To the contrast,the room was terrifically charged up with the professionals. I found first few rows filled with all those people dressed in suit and a decent tie.
I already submitted my idea online .After seeing the atmosphere I really don’t want to fool myself .Wanted to take back my participation. But I have no such chance. My name and my slot were already frozen for the competition by then and the show began.
People have come up with quite some interesting descriptions of their objects.
Finally it was my turn; I stumbled and mumbled but haa…I had no option other than fronting them.
Probably few are the CEO’s of the top MNC’s. No chance to step back as I am already there.
The host announces your 2 mins starts now…
Without any eye contact, looking at the roof, I started off :

My object is a robot with life. It can be anything you want based on the situation. It has life but no muscle or flesh or blood.
Unique features are:


Lightning speed
Sharper
 Uniquely innovative  product with complex technology of Biotechnology and Complex computing algorithms. A pinch of innovation is from the robotics.
Very adaptable to moods and hence it runs on Telepathy too.


History:


It was hard to name it, so I call him veeru, not that Jay is his friend or clone but he was born for the sound of Jai Hind. He was delivered via C-Section and it was performed by him. Cloning technology, you see. Baby Veeru didn’t eat nestle mashed foods. He crushed his own apples. That independent he was.
 As a teenager, for his glamour, veeru never used braces.Truly Independent. He straightened his teeth with his tongue.
 He uses lawn mower to shave.
 His least achievement was winning the Delhi marathon. He started in Hyderabad. 
When he wants ice, it makes it hail. That’s his go-getter attitude.
 When he wants a mobile phone, he carries around a cell tower. That how he does his homework well.
In any hard-hitting situation, he doesn’t need a gun because he can reach the enemy faster. He is such spontaneous. 
Let me tell you how experimenting he is .He will tell you if the oven is hot enough by touching it.


He is gem at character too. He doesn't like to handle diamonds because he keeps accidentally crushing them. He can impregnate a woman on a long distance phone call. 
Snake bite is a common cause of death near Veeru’s house. He bites a lot of snakes.
His last stay was in zoo .In their desert survival classes; Mountain lions learn how to identify Veeru.
Well, the reason for it to design is to make life at its simplest and also a moral lesson for all human beings too.


How do I sell it ?


Well…its track record speaks it all.Do I havvve to say anything ?*Chuckles*


Is it costly ?


It’s a life time investment. It costs less than any minimal electronic good. Also it is tailor made.Hence,price is quoted accordingly.
And hence its Veeru ka jaadu…Jay ko jayahoo…

I know I literally made the possible mockery of myself. But really, can you imagine I had audience for this session too.
A gentleman in the first row raised his hand to ask .His tone was really soft and he sounded inquisitive. What technology is it made of? I understand a blend of  biotechnology, telepathy and all.Could you elaborateit in simple terms for the commoner's like me?

I couldn’t resist but say it runs on Rajni Kanth technology.

Trust me I never knew I was this entertaining  in a crowd of nerds too.
Eventually ,I won the session too. Silly people, I tell you !!

Innovation - Express yourselves differently !!

For readers  who haven't read the "Assessment or Assassination" , read that first to understand , what innovation I am talking about over here ...

I haven't told you what happened after my assessment, isn’t it?

Fortunately it well went despite my boss's novel idea for the change *rolling eyes *

 But not for all...
Few dejected souls are still there who couldn’t do anything for the innovative assessment apart from cribbing..
But there was one dare soul who jus did his ground –breaking after the assessment and here it goes this way …
A mail where the entire world is marked ....

Dear redacted/ Retard (take what you wanna take ),

How you haven't been fired by now is a massive mystery to, not just me, but many people. You probably belong in a psychiatric ward. If you didn't have such a constant negative impact on everyone around you I might just feel sorry for you. BUT, you've damaged too many people. You create a hostile work environment with your flashes of insane anger and passive (I hesitate to use the word passive...) aggressive behavior. Please, just leave and piss all over the deck at [REDACTED]'s again. Maybe [REDACTED] will help this time. Her childish, two-faced personality suits you quite well. The fact that you still have a job is also a massive failure by your department's leaders as well. I'd be ashamed of being such push-over’s who refuse to support good people if I were them. Quite ashamed.

Your ,

*&%^^%# ..(don't dare take my name )
If this is it..picture baaki hai mere dosth…*evil grin*

He did take the prints out of this …(mind u !from the office printer only )and distributed it in the entire campus putting up the BOSS picture.. and of course yaa..

*Maniacly laughing* ..he tells the world..this is called INNOVATION – Find different ways to express yourselves, buddies  !


DISCLAIMER: No offense for any of the bosses to whom I am related ..just appreciate the fiction :-P

Assessment or Assassination

If beating the competition and snagging a job is one achievement then comes the time you have to undergo assessment. Well...I Donna what this fortune is called as, I need to undergo assessment every quarter. And my heart misses a beat every time I hear about that.

As usual I walked in at 9 AM and first thing in morning, was checking my mails. I stopped by a mail that’s written in bold and certainly a customized mail for the head of our division.

Hey Sandy,

Greetings!

People differ in their abilities and their aptitudes. There is always some difference between the quality and quantity of the same work on the same job being done by two different people. So why have monotonous appraisals for Employees every quarter? Here is something exciting in stock, let’s meet up over a coffee at 3 in my cabin.

See you around…

Firstly, Appraisal word itself freaked me out and to that he says something exciting... This is definitely something nasty for people like us…:-(

What a day? ;-(*&$%Q@....
Then my colleague pings me on communicator...

Sandy...Mail dekha aapne?
Me: haaan ji …It’s a missile...
V: The day I got in here, I felt as if I won the Olympics gold. But after the latest appraisal meeting …
Me: Yeah... Like Jordon …they speak only about weakness, errors and failures.
D: ha ha ha ..*evil smile* agar hike mila nahi tho mein resign karra hoon…
Me: pagal ho kya?
D: aarey meri amma… benefits of talking about resignation during appraisal is as follows…

1. In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

2. In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

3. During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

4. There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Me: sirji !! Enlightened … chalo let me go and face the battle.

Scene two:

I knocked and got into the cabin...
"Come come... come in , Young lady ...take Ur seat…"

It appeared as if I was being called for an aids test which came out negative and the doc preparing me for hope of survival...

"Hmm…. Here is the form and we will talk about it once you are done" 

Dude… which creation do you belong to? Paper … this is more like a board exam …
I opened to see what that is …

TO STAY HERE, CREATIVITY SHOULD BE THE DRIFTING POINT…

PROVE YOUR PROSPECT! 

(I could see his evil grinning face next to that) 

Q 1. If you were shrunk to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?
Me:By writing you off as an idiot for asking that.
I struck it off... hmm... err… I prefer a translation for this … 

Q2. Explain to me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years.
Me: probably prospective morons like you are born ….
Again I struck it off... I grew 10 years old and my mind 10 MHz faster... 

Q3. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 how weird you are. 
Me: "I'm a 9. You're a 10." 

Well.. Be specific on your definition of weird..

Q4. Out of 25 horses, pick the fastest 3 horses. In each race, only 5 horses can run at the same time. What is the minimum number of races required?”
Me: …color really that flatters your eyes… (Bloody racist)

Q5.Given the numbers 1 to 1000, what is the minimum numbers guesses needed to find a specific number if you are given the hint 'higher' or 'lower' for each guesses you make.”
Me: ………………………………….!!!!*&$%$%#$?@#
Are you asking my weight ??

Q6.There are three boxes, one contains only apples, one contains only oranges, and one contains both apples and oranges. The boxes have been incorrectly labeled such that no label identifies the actual contents of the box it labels. Opening just one box, and without looking in the box, you take out one piece of fruit. By looking at the fruit, how can you immediately label all of the boxes correctly?”
Me: When I have apple... I don’t think of any other things….

Q7. What do wood and alcohol have in common? 
Me: They can both make my head hurt. Just like this meet.

I folded the paper and stared at him . He was like , So.. What do you think about it ? 

Well.. I just smiled agreeing to my colleague suggestion !!

Hilarious NR-I's

This month of the year is always the best for me, at least for the fact I bump into most obvious people of my life who make me laugh. It’s kind of a reunions of the families, friends and also may be the crushes’ (on the abnormal note).

This is dedicated to all my NRI friends specially PAVAN and VISHNU…..

Here are 22 of the most identifiable idiosyncrasy of an Indian who's just returned from the US - See if you can identify someone from your circle with some of these!
22. Uses 'Nope' for No and 'Yep' for Yes.
21. Tries to use Credit Card in roadside hotels (will at least attempt!)
20. Drinks and carries Mineral Water and always speaks of health consciousness
19. Sprays so much Does that he doesn't need to take a bath!
18. Sneezes and loudly says 'Excuse Me'
17. Says 'Hey' instead of Hi
Says 'Yoghurt' instead of Curd
Says 'Cab' instead of Taxi
Says 'Candy' instead of Chocolate
Says 'Cookie' instead of Biscuit
Says 'Free Way' instead of Highway
Says 'Got to Go' instead of Have to go
Uses 'Oh' instead of Zero (For 704 - Seven oh four - instead of Seven Zero Four)
16. Cribs about Air pollution each time he steps out
15. Says all distances in Miles instead of Kilometers and counts in Millions instead of Lakhs
14. Tries to figure all prices in Dollars
13. Sees the fat % on the cover of a Milk Packet
12. Instead of Zed (Z), will say 'Zee' and will keep repeating it as Zee even if people don't understand!
11. Will complain about Jet Lag even after 2 months!
10. Writes in MM/DD/YY and calls the traditional DD/MM/YY as 'Oh! British Style'
9. Will make a lot of fun about Indian Standard Time and Indian Road conditions
8. Avoids eating Chilli!
7. Tries to drink Diet Coke instead of the normal one
6. Complains about everything India as if he's experiencing it for the first time
5. Produces Schedule as 'Skejule' and Module as 'Mojule'
4. Looks suspiciously towards Dhaba Food!
3. Will not remove the Airline stickers from luggage even 4 months after arrival
2. Takes a trolley on trips in India and tries to roll the bag on our Roads and Platforms!

And The Ultimate Check -
1. Will begin conversations with 'In the USA'!!!!
No harm meant guys :) You make the country livelier!!