Perfect Male!

A good man doesn't just happen.

They have to be created by us women.

A guy is a lump, like a doughnut.

So first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him.

And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap they pick up from from friends.

And then there's my personal favorite...the male ego.

Crush it down to pieces.

Left out stuff is called Perfect Male :P

THE NRIs .....

After travelling to most of the hot hubs for opportunity ..this is something I observed out of my sheer curiosity about Indians in foreign land.

Most of us including me ofcourse, NRIs, strive to blend in into their foreign society. It’s amusing to observe some of the measures we undertake:

We start rolling our “r”s. unfortunately we can never pronounce Rs like the natives do. So we end up sounding as if we had some vocal cord deformity.

Most us who never wore shorts in life start wearing shorts as soon as we enter the foreign land, choosing completely to ignore the visual abomination we perpetrate. Indians who venture into wearing shorts should take a look at themselves in the mirror. If ones legs look like bamboos with hair on them, one must avoid shorts at all costs.

Start following local sports such as football. Then we discuss these sports loudly with the localities at the water-cooler as if we have been watching these sports all our life

Try our hand at wit and make jokes when in a group. Humour is a very cultural thing. Unless practised with caution, it often ends up with a bunch of blank stares in one’s direction.

Start using profanity. We used to say “What the hell, yaar!” Now we say “What the fuck”. We think using the language employed by plumbers and construction workers takes us one step closer to being native!

Start drinking beer. Half my friends who drink beer never drank alcohol before. Now they drink beer to look cool at a party.

When a new comer to Germany says “First floor” to refer to second floor, that is, the one floor above ground floor, we act all confused and lost.

When at meetings, we put our feet up on the table/chair and we keep them there no matter who else in the cube/meeting room, just to prove to ourselves that we are cool.

Start pronouncing my name as Sand-iya.. rather Sandhya... or short it down to Sandieeee...!

“Most of us” does not mean “all of us.” Not all NRIs exhibit aforementioned symptoms and not all of them exhibit all the symptoms.

Fraaandship &&^*(*?

I'm sure most of you have had this experience before. There’s this freaky gal whom I have had the misfortune of having a friendship with. According to her, we’re the “best-est of friends” and according to me, she’s an unwanted piece of garbage who just doesn't know when she’s not needed and just doesn't understand the fact that she’s a burden on this earth! I pity her. If you look at her face, the word “dumb” pops in your mind. Her body fat is unevenly distributed, her eyes are lop-sided, her brain is in the wrong place, and she would be automatically entered into the mentally-challenged Olympics if she went anywhere near the venue! If she wasn't dropped on her head as a child, I seriously wonder what sort of parenting she had to go through to turn out as she has.

I may be a bit too harsh on her, but that’s the way she is. I can’t help it. She can do anything to be in someone’s good books but unfortunately she doesn’t know that it purely reflects her dumbness. Would you believe that I’m actually down-playing this mentally-challenged embarrassment to nature who thinks I am her friend?

Anyway, I had lent this gal 8 euros, a small amount considering the amount of money I get. This was over a month ago. She promptly forgot about it until I gently reminded her that she owes me. She immediately made out a promise note for 8 bucks and gave it to me. Now, this was the first time I was handling a promise note and I was like, “Baby, it’s ok! You can give me the cash when you have it. No hurry!”

So, she said, “No honey, take it. I don’t want to keep you waiting!” I was surprised but hey, money’s money. So, I took it and waited for a week.Oh wait , please do not confuse with the original promise note. 

Her promise note was like this :

" Hey Buddy,

Despite your money constraint you lent me money for filling my stomach with a meal. I am grateful. It's time to give it back but unfortunately my card pin is missing and would get one tomorrow. I will draw and give it to you. Till then keep my 500 rupees note with you . Kill me if I am not giving you .

Love you !

XXXXX"

Finally, she told me to come near some godforsaken building on some highway to collect the money.  I was a bit scared and was wondering if she was going to kill me in that secluded place and make it look like an accident or something. I had no idea how her under-developed mind worked. Her single knock can make me handicapped for life time. She finally showed up after making me wait an hour and handed the money over to me. I asked her why she called me so far away from civilization. Instead of replying, he put his hand inside her pocket and the gesture made me freak out. I was about to shout bloody murder, when she took out her mobile and said, “Come here”. That even freaked me out. I was wondering a stick body like mine do not need any fucking other souls to kill , her elephant body is enough.

Then entered a tiny creature who must be a cross breed of squirrel and monkey. And she introduces him to be my potential boyfriend. But from which angle? He talks as if he is sentenced to death the next second asking for all lame desires of his life.

I walked with those demented freaks to a coffee to fulfil the loser’s long lasting desire and went home, where my roomies had something even crazier with this retard.