Moron Marathon!

For those of you who have been wondering why I haven’t been updated for two weeks, well, you can stop wondering. I am still alive, unfortunately, and I’m back in business. For those of you who assumed I had given up, for those of you who assumed I was migrated to other planet and for those of you who just didn’t (and still don’t) care whether this blog gets updated or not, the least I can offer is a friendly wave.
Alright! Now am done with my daily dosage of overacting, hence I’ll go into the story. It’s been a while that I got into couple of consulting projects for SME and working on my journal with Harvard guys, so arguably, I’ve been a bit busy. Adding an ill-timed illness and brand new fuckers around, it does get a bit dicey to manage blogging time.

But anyway, here I am, itching to tell the world about my last trip. It was insanely fun trip where I was totally out of my mind which generally happens when I travel but this time significantly and literally happened.

Ok, back to the point, there is this so called awesome restaurant in the centre of the city. I, along with couple of friends  went there. It is a historic place and maintained by some private hotel group. Honestly , the place was ridiculously small with 3-5 tables and a huge line waiting at the door. We were lucky to get a table. A person came up to us with some tiny piece of toilet paper type or even cheaper material. He gently handed over to us with a nasty look like #i_am_giving_my_only daughter_away# u better take care!

Just surprised about how this restaurant can be insanely popular while the menu is so like a crap recycled one. We freaked out at the prices yet we kept our cool and still placed an order. After a while a gang of 3 boys and 3 gals walking in rhythm and laughing like old mythological villians' background score. Unfortunately they are from the same origin of mine. You know how were they identified? Because they never learnt how to stand in a queue. 

 Firstly I was distracted by the donkey’s noise around which was amusingly the way that gang was eating. Secondly, their long distance calling made me wonder if they really were trying to call using their mobile.

We were done and waiting for our check and unfortunately the gang too. There was a huge chaos in the area and to my shock was these ppl fighting over bill as who would pay which was followed by mastering the art of bargaining. Finally they agreed on something and there was some peace. Before it lasted, they dug out all the cent coins they had and paid which was eventually dropped by the waiter.

Now, the place is Vienna and restaurant accepts only cash and that bunch of idiots are Indians outside India.

Yeah, this is what I wanted to tell, I spotted again a bunch of morons! 

Mission accomplished :-)

Stupidity - Her perpetual trademark

Wednesdays are obviously the worst days of the semester. Fuelling to that, I had moved into my new house on the same day. Topped to this was a stupid bachelor student who asks me out for a date every time he sees me for which my obvious answer is “Grow up for it”. Well, I am single but doesn’t mean I will get into carbon dating. Anyways that’s not the point.

After I moved my luggage into the new house, I met my landlady. Within 5 mins I understood the level of her stupidity and believe me, I can never deal with such fat old mindless morons.

I told her I would see her in the evening as I have a class and walked away.

So, I came back home at 8 this evening, tired, drenched in my own sweat, reeking of the day’s exploits and turn the keys in my front door and enter a dark abyss. I turn on the light switch to no avail. I panic a bit. I turn on other switches all over the house and I’m still covered in a thick layer of darkness. I panic, stumble blindly from one room to another, screaming for help and trying to get the darkness off my body. No, I’m exaggerating. I have a flair for drama and I get carried away sometimes. I get my torch and find out the reason for this darkness. I see a notice that looks very...Forget it! There is no word equivalent to it.

Dear Sandy,

Find the key on your table that unlocks the switch box.

Regards,

XXXX

Who in the world can put a note on a dark wall and expects me to read it?

Finally I lighten my room and check into that seedy room. Surprisingly my room looks way different than I left it few hours ago. It looks hauntingly familiar for all the wrong reasons. I think I’ve seen many a porn movie shot in this very room. I can’t be too sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Well, even if you don’t wonder and ponder these mysteries, I’ll enlighten you.

She noticed a cute German with me who helped me in moving that morning. So she put her 60 year old rusted brain to use and bought this effect.

So, there I was, almost in the middle of the night, in the stupidest room with all roses around and some weird room fragrance along with a bottle of wine, and I sit here on the chair, where I’m vaguely sure that many a pretty chick has done it doggy style. The creepy blue lights and a transparent bathroom add to the cheesiness.

Yes. The bathroom / toilet has a TRANSPARENT wall. F*** you very much, landlady.

I seriously doubt if she is amusing herself with this stupid act or genuinely proving her stand or mocking my singleton :P

Anyways, as Einstein said " Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

How to piss people off?

 Of course! It’s an art to do on daily basis. As I have already told you that it needs effort to be stupid than not being it. And the best part is stupidity +Ego= Heights. I really want to tell you about a person who have been living with a motto of pissing people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” And his golden words are- “we need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me”!

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of his existence. So here I present tips learnt from this great soul would have mastered the art.

 We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. (I see...)So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked, stabbed in the back, kicked, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention. For gals, you need no effort, just go and talk your heart out during your period cycle. That serves all the purpose!

Pissing Men Off

Quite Easy- take a dig at their manhood. Tell them their girlfriends are awesome and hot. Take the liberty in explicitly describing her. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Talk about their EX girlfriends and their extemporary desires for every damn silly gal. At that time you correct them on what they are doing, I am sure they will get defensive and fart out their ego. Of course, what else they can do.  Point out every mistake of theirs, then your mission is accomplished.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favourite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around!

Pissing Women Off

Specially, you should know how to piss off a gal from the guy who did it!

Given that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. Till I was 18, I thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

These are way too trivial. You should try something like this guy did. Be a guy with half knowledge, wavering mind and untidily maintained and flaunt off saying it’s a geek style.

Secondly, talk utter nonsense and claim you are next to Einstein the world, no perhaps the GOD. Adding to it, go challenge her skills where she was awarded the prime laurels. Be on the other side of the world burning with jealousy. Finally, say you are the ego killer. LOL! She would definitely kick in your nuts but if she is sensible enough, she would just laugh at u and show your level.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Psychology says women are way too matured, organised and talented than other men of their age. So panga with gals might cost a huge loss for you, honey! You still wanna do, go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little!

Attitude you receive from a person is how you treat them!

I sold my Ferrari in a South Korean Market to pay my petrol Bills!

Today Rupee at its record lowest and petrol at its bumper hike of 7.5 Rupees, I don’t think so life in India is easy being middle-class. Rising prices. Sweatier traffic jams. Global warming. And then there is gold thing which keeps gnawing away at us, ceaselessly, like a rat at a sack of grain. Now don’t ask me whats with gold, durhhh! Woo atooth bandhan hai!

On other side media talking about how we choose that-which-is-fun over that-which-is-good. Social-media over social service. Junk food over vegetables. IPL over Tests. Katie Perry over Carnatic. Page 3 over the Editorials. “Oops pictures” over…you get the picture.  All it would do in showing the government’s glory in form of ads.

Ad One:

Wife: Baby, I am going out with my friends. I am taking your car! Tum Bus yaa kisi aur ke saat chale jana plz.

Dramatic Husband: Bhool na jaana, door na jaana, O jaane jaana

Wife in Excitement: Arey wah! Full mood mein Aare hoon… (Planting a kiss on his face)

Husband: O jaane jaana, petrol ka bhoj math badana!

*chuckles*

Ad Two:

Mom (over phone to her son): Aaj papa car mein ghoome ne lekar gaye!

Son: Arey wah mama! Woo kaise hua?

Mom: We saved all the money you sent in Kapil Chits to buy a liter of petrol.

*I –want –to bang-my –head expression*

Ad Three:

Gal: Janu, aaj long drive jaane ka mann karra hai !

Boy (in his mind): tujhe sambalna ek ferrari ko maintain karne ke barabar hai! Upar se long drive poochri hai …Bagawan , aaj bacha le.. Mahine ka aakri din.

Then he looks at a dramatic sales man of State bank of India narrating

“Worried about the fuel hikes? We are here to support you .We give loans for petrol too”.

*F***U M*** Expression*

Ad Four:

Manapuram Petrol- New Launch!

Now get cash by exchanging Petrol and make life easy!

Leader Actor of the region (in still): We stand for Manapuram, Manapuram stands for you!

*rolling eyes*

 Ok! The bottom line is why the hell is the enlightenment not on selecting/ electing the right. I strongly believe these following people should be in parliament.

1. Rajnikanth: Eternal favorite. Here is one person who everyone in India, North or South, can agree that he is awesome. With Rajni, we won’t need Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, kingship and rupee at its highest. Only he can tell the world “I will do what I say. I will also do what I don’t say”, which is guaranteed to put the fear of God in those Godless Commies. The fear of Rajni more precisely.

2. Arundhati Roy: I may be wrong but Ms. Roy may have surrendered her Indian citizenship. Of course, metaphorically. So she is definitely eligible for the post. A leading public intellectual and the toast of the chattering classes, she would bring to the Presidential post the same clarity of thought and pragmatism that she exhibits in her twelve-page ramblings, which some believe is auto-generated from a dictionary of phrases like “Hindu right wing” ” military-government-industry cabal” and “exploitation of lower classes” and “Gandhi-ian with guns”, tracts of such marvelous quality. Why not have Aliens vs Predators both together, on the same side?

3. Mahesh Bhatt: Many pundits say that it is now time to move on from 26/11 and reach out to Pakistan in the spirit of Aman-Asha. I agree. The best way to do this would have been to make Kasab President but then again since he is a Pakistani citizen, he perhaps is not eligible. Sania-Bhabhi would also be a good candidate as an emblem of cross-border bonhomie. But unfortunately she is below the age-threshold needed to be President. Though one can argue that if “true” age is defined by how fit and athletic one looks while moving, like say on a tennis court, then she definitely would qualify to be a BJP leader. Which leaves us with Mahesh Bhatt, who will be awesome in this context. Hell, he might even get Atif Aslam to sing our national anthem, Rock-Sufi style. “ How advantageous”

4. Poonam Pandey: Comes with her own C-category security, strong enough to bounce back any missiles from foreign countries. Truly a commander-in-chief who shall lead from the front, enhanced as it is. One of the complaints about the Presidency over the years is that often the citizens have no idea as to what the President is doing. Poonam Pandey will rectify that by supplying an over-dose of information, helped by her dedicated (im) plants in the Press, who shall inform us, even when we do not want to know, every detail about her daily activities.

5. NOT Sachin Tendulkar. I know many people want Sachin to be the President. I certainly do not. First of all, his record of “leading” the team is not that great. Second, it is said that when he performs the team loses. So if he, as President gives a good speech, I am afraid the county might get invaded. Lastly, the President comes with a fixed-term of service. And Sachin, as we have seen of late, does not take kindly to upper-time-limits being imposed on his tenure. Since “No one can tell Sachin to step down” (Fundamental Axiom 1) and he might not want to either (Fundamental Axiom 2), this might create some Idi-Aminish problems.

6. Myself: Yes. Me. First of all, I am a minority candidate since I consider myself (like everybody does themselves) to be in the 10% category of smart Indians that Justice Katju has defined. I like to travel to foreign countries. I also like to host 7-course state dinners and live in a big house. I can give speeches at will on various topics. After all I blog, don’t I? What will I do if the country faces an emergency, which is when the President is really needed, and I am called to make a critical decision?Do exactly what those in power in Delhi today do. Ask Madam.

Ok for now ! I will burg off to sell my Ferrari to get a Hero Cycle!No wonder the monk who sold it first predicted this day :P

Jago India Jago! Go get a Hero before the steel rates multiply.

Credits : Arnab Roy , Sandhya Datta and Google

Hyderabadis Driving to "SPIRIT"ulism

Hyderabad roads teach some lessons in spirituality like nothing else can. You are lucky if you stay alive to learn it all.

Through millennia, India has been a magnet for many people across the globe in pursuit of mysticism, people who risked life and limb, crossed oceans and mountains to come and sit at the feet of enlightened masters. While meditation and yoga are two of the many paths to high consciousness, and while Hyderabad roads have the power to drive you over edge literally.

For starters, you should be convinced that there has to be a higher force in the universe. No physical or natural law can explain why in a city with four million motor vehicles, with road users utterly lacking the self preservation instinct, or any respect for others' life or property, only four or five souls wander from the streets every day. Even the most die-hard atheist is likely to start believing there is some divine interpolation.

Theoretically only human beings can have driving licenses. However, in Hyderabad, I wonder if that is true. Are bus drivers’ androids or terrorists or a unique species? Painted on the outside of each bus is the legend: “Propelled by Clean Fuel”. What is not painted is: “Driven by demonic fury”. The battered condition of these buses would convince even a dodo that they cannot be controlled mechanically. They must be controlled through psycho kinesis.. Their daily prayer seems to be: “Oh Lord, give me this day my daily victim, but deliver me from prosecution!” From a spiritual perspective, this teaches you about paradoxes. Life is full of them. Probably the most recognized is the paradox of good and evil. Some human beings are good, some are evil. Most of us are somewhere in between. This is the basic stuff of life.

Some schools of spirituality believe that if you are not always stretching yourselves to the limit, then you are not evolving as human beings. Motorcyclists are hardcore adherents of this school. Like moths, who hurl themselves into flames, they hurl themselves before cars, buses and trucks. Bikers are automatically enrolled in a secret society the objectives of which include running through red lights, cutting across several lanes in front of hurtling traffic, and tempting death as frequently as possible. Like trapeze artists, their aim is to tempt fate but not let the soul separate from the body. But the eternal wheel of life necessitates that some will. Darting through traffic, hitting wing mirrors of as many cars as possible, fatalists one and all, they risk anything to gain that split second advantage. Proving the primacy of mind over matter is important for spiritual development.

Inculcating humility is essential to spiritual growth. However, if one didn't encounter arrogance how would one recognize humility? To teach us humility we have the call centre cab drivers. They are easily recognizable by their battered white Qualises, Taveras and indicas with yellow plates, usually bearing AP and TR numbers. Most of them also fashion their looks after Bollywood villains. Unmindful of minor irritants like traffic rules, they go haring around the city scraping cars and anything else that comes in their way. They are true spiritual masters because they put the fear of God into people.

Spiritual teaching is also imparted by three-wheeler drivers. Their chariots are painted yellow. But their friendliness is limited to their color. They also have a secret society with some immutable rules. One, you must not drive in one lane, always straddle two. Second, you must not allow anybody to overtake you. Three, you must turn around suddenly, and frequently, in the middle of the busiest road without first looking to see if there is any traffic behind you. Four, you must drive with only one hand (the one on the accelerator) and one foot, the other one is usually tucked under your bum (a new asana?). Five, you must overcharge. Six, thou shall resist going to the destination of the passenger. Seven, you must park three or four abreast on busy roads.

Their rear view mirrors are pointed inwards towards themselves: “Know you”, our scriptures remind us! Their ear-shattering engines, and blaring Bollywood music, drown out all other road sounds including the warning horns of other road users. Oblivious of everything except potential passengers, they believe that what they don't see does not exist. Woe betides anybody who comes in their way. They teach us serenity. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.



Have you learnt anything more..??? Do share it across to me-)