Stupidity - Her perpetual trademark

Wednesdays are obviously the worst days of the semester. Fuelling to that, I had moved into my new house on the same day. Topped to this was a stupid bachelor student who asks me out for a date every time he sees me for which my obvious answer is “Grow up for it”. Well, I am single but doesn’t mean I will get into carbon dating. Anyways that’s not the point.

After I moved my luggage into the new house, I met my landlady. Within 5 mins I understood the level of her stupidity and believe me, I can never deal with such fat old mindless morons.

I told her I would see her in the evening as I have a class and walked away.

So, I came back home at 8 this evening, tired, drenched in my own sweat, reeking of the day’s exploits and turn the keys in my front door and enter a dark abyss. I turn on the light switch to no avail. I panic a bit. I turn on other switches all over the house and I’m still covered in a thick layer of darkness. I panic, stumble blindly from one room to another, screaming for help and trying to get the darkness off my body. No, I’m exaggerating. I have a flair for drama and I get carried away sometimes. I get my torch and find out the reason for this darkness. I see a notice that looks very...Forget it! There is no word equivalent to it.

Dear Sandy,

Find the key on your table that unlocks the switch box.

Regards,

XXXX

Who in the world can put a note on a dark wall and expects me to read it?

Finally I lighten my room and check into that seedy room. Surprisingly my room looks way different than I left it few hours ago. It looks hauntingly familiar for all the wrong reasons. I think I’ve seen many a porn movie shot in this very room. I can’t be too sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Well, even if you don’t wonder and ponder these mysteries, I’ll enlighten you.

She noticed a cute German with me who helped me in moving that morning. So she put her 60 year old rusted brain to use and bought this effect.

So, there I was, almost in the middle of the night, in the stupidest room with all roses around and some weird room fragrance along with a bottle of wine, and I sit here on the chair, where I’m vaguely sure that many a pretty chick has done it doggy style. The creepy blue lights and a transparent bathroom add to the cheesiness.

Yes. The bathroom / toilet has a TRANSPARENT wall. F*** you very much, landlady.

I seriously doubt if she is amusing herself with this stupid act or genuinely proving her stand or mocking my singleton :P

Anyways, as Einstein said " Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

How to piss people off?

 Of course! It’s an art to do on daily basis. As I have already told you that it needs effort to be stupid than not being it. And the best part is stupidity +Ego= Heights. I really want to tell you about a person who have been living with a motto of pissing people off all the time! It’s much like the song ‘Iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls, where he croons, “…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive!” And his golden words are- “we need to irritate people around us all the time to feel alive. What’s the point of living if you don’t piss someone off? Huh? Tell me”!

Pissing people off – the heart and soul of his existence. So here I present tips learnt from this great soul would have mastered the art.

 We wouldn’t be here doing what we are doing if someone a hundred thousand years ago hadn’t pissed someone off and started a war. We wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t pissed on someone else’s joy! You wouldn’t be reading this if someone hadn’t pissed me off and made me write this. So, you have to agree with me that it’s quite important to piss people off all the time. (I see...)So, how do we do it? How do we achieve the perfect balance between pissing someone off and not getting slapped, shot, kicked, stabbed in the back, kicked, slapped, slapped, punched in the face, kicked in the nuts again or pushed off a cliff? It takes great care and patience to achieve this feat, and it’s not easy. You need to pay attention. For gals, you need no effort, just go and talk your heart out during your period cycle. That serves all the purpose!

Pissing Men Off

Quite Easy- take a dig at their manhood. Tell them their girlfriends are awesome and hot. Take the liberty in explicitly describing her. Watching their face go from a normal beige to various shades of red, blue and orange is quite fun. Men are strange in this issue – I don’t know why but they always overplay their sexual exploits and this is the best way to piss a man off.

Talk about their EX girlfriends and their extemporary desires for every damn silly gal. At that time you correct them on what they are doing, I am sure they will get defensive and fart out their ego. Of course, what else they can do.  Point out every mistake of theirs, then your mission is accomplished.

Of course, the only two other things that matter to a guy is either beer or sports. Ridicule his favourite beer and you might end up on the wrong end of a well-placed kick. Ridicule the guy and call him a sissy for watching cricket or golf, and he’ll go stark raving mad.

I’ll let you in on a secret. If you know a guy who is straight and want to piss him off, accuse him of being gay. Oh, he’ll hate you for the rest of his life, and he’ll stay away from cosmetics and watch each of his words carefully whenever you’re around!

Pissing Women Off

Specially, you should know how to piss off a gal from the guy who did it!

Given that sex, booze and sports are the only three things that can effectively piss a man off, you’ll find it hard to piss a woman off with these three topics. Women are usually very secure about their sexuality/sex lives and taking a dig at their alcoholic tastes will be like throwing grains of sand at a hurtling train hoping to derail it. And women and sports, well, let me not be a spoilsport, but you know how it goes. Till I was 18, I thought F1 cars were battery controlled toys and unmanned!

So, how do we piss women off? Easy – take a dig at her age. It always works no exceptions. Tell her, “Oh, you look so much younger in your photographs!” and she’ll hate you with a vehemence second only to a supernova.

Horizontal attacks are also effective. “You seem to have gained some weight,” “Is that an extra-large top?” and “How many months due are you?” are the three most effective way to piss a woman off about her weight. Never fails.

These are way too trivial. You should try something like this guy did. Be a guy with half knowledge, wavering mind and untidily maintained and flaunt off saying it’s a geek style.

Secondly, talk utter nonsense and claim you are next to Einstein the world, no perhaps the GOD. Adding to it, go challenge her skills where she was awarded the prime laurels. Be on the other side of the world burning with jealousy. Finally, say you are the ego killer. LOL! She would definitely kick in your nuts but if she is sensible enough, she would just laugh at u and show your level.

But I am duty bound to warn you – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Be careful.

Psychology says women are way too matured, organised and talented than other men of their age. So panga with gals might cost a huge loss for you, honey! You still wanna do, go ahead! Piss someone off today! Live a little!

Attitude you receive from a person is how you treat them!

A day without dealing with stupid people is like...never mind it can never happen !

This incident happened sometime last year, and I still remember it vividly. Stupids are so hard to forget. It was supposed to be a surprise. Or a suspense. Whichever one wasn’t creepy.. I was supposed to present myself at the remote location in one hour in Bangalore. Yeah, right, I thought. With this traffic, I can make it just in time for a perfect sunset. Three in the afternoon on the roads of Bangalore is like being killed and transported to Hell and made to push a huge, heavy wheel for no apparent reason, with a red, pointy-tailed, French-bearded individual who laughed demonically for no reason and lashed you with a whip every now and then, with your sweat dripping off your face and crusts of dirt and tar sticking to every part of your face. Well, almost.

I thought I can still make it with an unwanted sarcasm-kicked philosopher who was supposedly my colleague. But when two NORMAL people meet, we almost have a research guide to be administrated about people and their stupidity. Although I was quite disinterested at that point of time, but when it is about stupid I can’t deny my participation. U see, it’s easy to be dumb but not stupid! They amuse me!

K to me: “Do you know we have evolved into something resembling a cross between an upright chimp and a hairy stink ball? I’m not kidding.”

Me: Really ? hehe..

K: In fact I think everyone is. Have you counted the number of hairs on your body lately? You’ll be astonished. Well... it is different for gals. That’s why my thorough and fair research is mostly on men.

Anyway, when Charles Darwin wrote the ‘Origin Of species,’ he overlooked one major fact – The Stupidity Index. ‘The Stupidity Index,’ which explained why every single human being alive today is as stupid as a doorknob (in other words Dakkan). People who don’t agree to this fact are living in denial.

The scale is from 0 to 5, where 0 is the least stupid and 5 is the most stupid.

Then he takes out his neat clear paper from the file and tables it down with his explanations.

Although I am sure about the parameters he is considering but my gut feeling is this guy is no less to A and apparently …it is so much of astonishment to be with people of same league.

The scale is explained thus:






Me: ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING. Lets try it on na ! How it works ...


While we waited for more than ten minutes at a junction where a truck was stranded in the middle of the road with two-wheelers peppered around it like seasoning on a horrendous Christmas dish.

Before we could assess their stupidity rate,“Hey Sandiee,” said the idiot over the phone.

“Hey dude,” I replied, silently wishing he’d never called. I hated this guy, and had tried to distance myself as much as possible from him. But, as you probably know, some people just don’t get it.

“Listen, this is important,” said the Stupid. “You need to be here! It’s urgent”

“Whoa!” I said. “If you remember we are in Bangalore? I’m not trying to relax at home but in my rickety car at a junction since an hour ”

No matter what I tried, he wouldn’t give in. I finally agreed to meet him.

It’s not that I’m an anti-social animal, I just hate this guy.

I called up the fellow and told him that I’d reached. It was two minutes to three. He came there two minutes later, running, and hot in the face. He’s a weird looking guy – tall, balding and a thin hairline mustache. And his eyes were a constant reminder of his inborn idiocy. He was always an idiot – slow to grasp things and concepts and slower to understand them. Now, he was working for a software company. God save software!

“Thanks for coming, gal!” he said.

“No problem,” I said. “Ok, what’s this all about?”

“Listen, I’m into a scheme where you can make lots of money in a week. Up to twenty thousand in a week! Are you interested?”

You can imagine what went through my brain. I looked around for a sizable stone to bash his head in, but refrained myself. Too many witnesses around. I could never make it look like a suicide.

“What?” I asked, incredulously.

“Yeah! This new company is giving away money, dude. I asked you to come here because I want you to attend a presentation, which the company is giving. They’ll explain exactly how you can make the money. It’s quite simple, dude. And I get a referral fee is you sign up.”

“What?” I asked again. I was beginning to eye some really nice stones.

“Yes,” he said. “Follow me.”

He led us to a hotel which was behind the Shopper’s Stop mall. Lots of people were hanging around the entrance. “These are all my colleagues,” he said.

“Ok,” I said. I was really annoyed now, as most of the people there had the same stupid look in their eyes. I wanted to run away from there as fast as I could. He led us into the hotel and into an air-conditioned conference room, where there was a long table, made of cheap woodwork to match with the cheapness of the wood-paneled walls. Lots of people were sitting around it and there was a white board on the far wall, with a guy standing in front of it.

I felt like the newest inductee into the Stupidity Club where their index of stupidity is still undefined.