Jay -Veeru and my story

Well, yes I had been away for a while from blogging. Was busy catching up the year-end work pressures and busy attending knowledge sharing sessions across the city. Here I write about one of the funniest sessions I ever had. In fact ,recovering from the last session I had.
There was this interesting “Out of the box “theme going on the previous week with one of the clubs I visit. We were asked to come up with something non- existing yet virtually possible.And we were given few questionnaire too so that the object needs to satisfy all the mentioned skills namely history of the object . Why, how it was made. Its performance ,its unique selling points and price.

I was all excited to take part cuz its one of the premiere meets of the month. I found out from the guest list.It had quite a few CEO's and COO's of the top MNC's.

At the session:

I was in an illusion that it is going to be the most informal networking session. To the contrast,the room was terrifically charged up with the professionals. I found first few rows filled with all those people dressed in suit and a decent tie.
I already submitted my idea online .After seeing the atmosphere I really don’t want to fool myself .Wanted to take back my participation. But I have no such chance. My name and my slot were already frozen for the competition by then and the show began.
People have come up with quite some interesting descriptions of their objects.
Finally it was my turn; I stumbled and mumbled but haa…I had no option other than fronting them.
Probably few are the CEO’s of the top MNC’s. No chance to step back as I am already there.
The host announces your 2 mins starts now…
Without any eye contact, looking at the roof, I started off :

My object is a robot with life. It can be anything you want based on the situation. It has life but no muscle or flesh or blood.
Unique features are:


Lightning speed
Sharper
 Uniquely innovative  product with complex technology of Biotechnology and Complex computing algorithms. A pinch of innovation is from the robotics.
Very adaptable to moods and hence it runs on Telepathy too.


History:


It was hard to name it, so I call him veeru, not that Jay is his friend or clone but he was born for the sound of Jai Hind. He was delivered via C-Section and it was performed by him. Cloning technology, you see. Baby Veeru didn’t eat nestle mashed foods. He crushed his own apples. That independent he was.
 As a teenager, for his glamour, veeru never used braces.Truly Independent. He straightened his teeth with his tongue.
 He uses lawn mower to shave.
 His least achievement was winning the Delhi marathon. He started in Hyderabad. 
When he wants ice, it makes it hail. That’s his go-getter attitude.
 When he wants a mobile phone, he carries around a cell tower. That how he does his homework well.
In any hard-hitting situation, he doesn’t need a gun because he can reach the enemy faster. He is such spontaneous. 
Let me tell you how experimenting he is .He will tell you if the oven is hot enough by touching it.


He is gem at character too. He doesn't like to handle diamonds because he keeps accidentally crushing them. He can impregnate a woman on a long distance phone call. 
Snake bite is a common cause of death near Veeru’s house. He bites a lot of snakes.
His last stay was in zoo .In their desert survival classes; Mountain lions learn how to identify Veeru.
Well, the reason for it to design is to make life at its simplest and also a moral lesson for all human beings too.


How do I sell it ?


Well…its track record speaks it all.Do I havvve to say anything ?*Chuckles*


Is it costly ?


It’s a life time investment. It costs less than any minimal electronic good. Also it is tailor made.Hence,price is quoted accordingly.
And hence its Veeru ka jaadu…Jay ko jayahoo…

I know I literally made the possible mockery of myself. But really, can you imagine I had audience for this session too.
A gentleman in the first row raised his hand to ask .His tone was really soft and he sounded inquisitive. What technology is it made of? I understand a blend of  biotechnology, telepathy and all.Could you elaborateit in simple terms for the commoner's like me?

I couldn’t resist but say it runs on Rajni Kanth technology.

Trust me I never knew I was this entertaining  in a crowd of nerds too.
Eventually ,I won the session too. Silly people, I tell you !!

Hello Madamji! Smile karna mana hai

I didn’t do anything outlandish but that guy completely froze in his tracks. He looked at me in skepticism. My eyes glittered and smile just could not stop reaching my lips. Yet again I covered it with the bag I was holding. I am sure he must have concluded I was a plump mutant with extra face muscles enabling me to exert a smile. I never knew smiling at your EX is a strict no-no.

It’s already been a year and half we spoke, you did harm and I did what I could do. Damage is for the both then why still burning with the grudge .I seriously don’t get that point. Well, I just smiled in shock, surprise and happiness all that I had with that person. Year and half is not less to forgive the little harm and cherish the good times. And very soon after that I realized that such rule doesn’t apply when EX- friends encounter each other and when you know both have the same destination. We don’t smile at each other. I never understood why we approach each other with warning. I think we firmly believe that who smile at you are sales persons or gay (/lesbian) or both.

Then I got into the bus to locate my reserved place and settled happily there. Under the flickering light, I really did not feel like reading .I looked from the wink of my eye to check him out. Nah...I really didn’t wanna make it obvious. So I picked up the sticky note pad and started writing.

Where ever you stay and after how long you come across your EX and this is what you need to do: 

1. Under no circumstances make an eye contact. 

2. Pretend he is transparent and look through him. In the unthinkable event that you actually made eye contact, give him the “are you trying to steal my virginity” look.
3. If the other person stretches his lips into an expression unbeknownst to you, look at him as if he were an alien with a foot-long nose hair.
If at all your EX is a woman, the situation is worse. She will reflexively respond with a frown. It is somehow worked into the belief system that if she doesn’t frown back, it would be taken as an invitation to hit on them back.

One day, two of my friends who dated came to visit me at the same time. I was supposedly not in the room as I went to fetch some water for both of them. The gal walked straight to the water cooler. He said, “It’s unusually warm, isn’t it?” Just to make a simple conversation. She perked up and looked at me with shock, as if the question had the connotation of a mating call in the culture she grew up in. A range of expressions ran in her face. Shock, bewilderment, fear, oh-my-god-he-is-going-to-rape-me fear, disgust and frown. She gurgled yes and scrammed from there.

Well, the whole funda of writing this is IAM BORED sitting in this bus and adding kilos to my bum and cherishing all the events happened over this bus ride in last few months and also remembering my first EX-FRIEND who introduced MAHARAJA CHAAT BHANDAR to me, the one who showed me real Hyderabad from GACHIBOWLI to OLD CITY. I miss u for all those good times.

Hey Baby , I am Rosy for u *chuckles*

It has been quite a busy month for me .Being a wedding season, inevitably I attended quite a lot of weddings of my closest circle.Although I avoided staying there for long yet that 5 minutes was enough for them to rant and rave me for being in the age slab of 21-26.Before that let me congratulate all the brides and grooms.And am all happy for your freedom.You people were happy getting hitched and we poor souls got battered by words of the oldies.I know , you guys were also in our shoes in near past ...

 Let me tell you all who are in a presumption that 21-26 is rosy. Although we expected to have the best of our lives after teens, I tell you, it’s still the same; then and now. Typically it’s not the rosy life but the thorn below the rose is our life. Your ex-s are getting married, your career has just started, elders treat you as unproven theorems, and people think you’re always wrong even when you’re right. You're too old for college but too young for work. You seem to enjoy both cartoon and news which is again a crime of whiling time. You can no longer eat whatever you wish without being conscious or putting on weight. Every Aunty you meet asks “Shaadi Kab kar reheho” while uncles ask “Career plans kya hai beta? Job mila or kali abi bi.” When the reality is that you are just riding the wave and going with the flow, you have all the confidence in the world but little achievements to show. You already have the first hand experience of life, you know that whatever you have been taught about the world in schools has been sheer waste of time. You can be denied a job even after passing the test and you could be given a job even if you know someone placed high enough. Politics till now was a dirty word but now you feel it everywhere. You know now love is not that blind and that friendship sometimes has its terms and conditions. Your true friends are like your family. Whether they are old or new, they will always be there for you, now and for life. You're learning that there is nothing for granted. Your over confidence is now making way for a humble conscience. And you now realize that this age and part of life is not exactly what we thought it would be. Despite all these, your life mocks at your irony and says, “Yes baby, I am rosy for you “.

Courtesy : For people who still believe LOVE MARRIAGE is a crime ...

For people who still believe career and love cannot go hand in hand...

For people who believe getting a job is the highest achievement ...

“Do not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

"If it still hurts, you still care."

Today morning when I was on face book to catch up for the updates, I stumbled upon a post of my close friend. In fact he was one of the best of friends I had. I rubbed my eyes to check if it was true. Checked, doubled checked and again checked. In fact I stopped there gaping at it – ENGAGED.

Now what is that hurting me? That should be happy news, isn’t it?

Since a year and half , we eventually we turned out to be best of friends where I had the most dreadful incident of my life. Our friendship turned fonder and fonder with the times. We’re so crazy, that people think we're high. It’s the times we laughed so hard, we can't help but cry. It’s all the inside jokes and "remember when’s". He had never been the emotional crutch yet again we knew what is good for us to be the best of friends.

And today, I get to know he was engaged through a social media site. Yes I agree, I might have given him hints of me being single then and he has tried his luck. If it did not happen, it did not happen. But that doesn’t cost all the good times we had together. How silly!

When I go upfront to ask about it, this is what I get to hear-”Yaar, glad you knew it. You see it’s all the emotions, hope you understand. And thanks for the wishes if at all you are wishing good for me.”

It should be easy, right?
 That person is no longer in your life--so shut them out and move on.

But it never is.
Memories of happy times come back to dance on the edges of reason to mock and jeer you.
And it hurts. More like hell.
Like pin pricks of a million needles.
Like hell like the jagged edges of a broken glass.

But it is long gone now, and the friendship lives only in your memories. Now I smile bravely and pretend it does not matter anymore. But deep down I remember it all for I have given. I really donno how to react but it feels like a deliberate million insult for the poor kind who respected the friendship. Adding to it is , blocking me on face book and blocking my calls.

Ok now to deny the fact would be like lying to yourself just as mourning for something that cannot be and wallowing it.
Life is full of surprises. And time is ticking.
You may be amazed at what it gives back.

So I go out there, give my best smile, Grab it, LIVE it, revel in it.
But all I can say is “Start by asking yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up...
Surrounding yourself with positive, loving people is half the battle of living a happy, successful life”!

My company made me Zombie

Yesterday in office, I was having some interesting and chirpy conversation with couple of guys. Yes, we were loud enough that almost everyone in the floor joined us. The crowd got a majority of male employees. Somehow this has been noticed by the HR and interpreted in their style. Ideally, these HR’s are designed that way only where even the guy and girl being in the same room comes as harassment! We, of course were talking … and here comes the adversity. Tomorrow ..undoubtedly they would surely impose some kindergarten rules.

As we noticed her, slowly the crowd got diluted and got back to the regular boring stuff as every day.
As we were getting adjusted there, we were interrupted by an unexpected email from our HR. The email said, in essence, “You must complete a "MANDATORY SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING.” I felt insulted. I mean, I know how to sexually harass people. I don’t need training. In fact I can try helping you with various tips in harassment.

The online presentation started out promisingly. It showed several scenarios where people were performing sexual harassment. Although, I would say their approach to harassment was tad amateurish. I mean, to harass a female colleague, one doesn’t walk up to her and put a hand around her shoulder. It would be done more skillfully. I thought of contacting the HR and offering my skills and experience to prepare a more educational and “hands-on” presentation.

After 10 minutes into the presentation, it suddenly turned tables and started preaching that harassment is wrong. LOL ….That was when I realized the training was about how not to harass.
“What is wrong with HR? They want to take every bit of fun out of work! “
That was the first reaction from N who was next to me.
I could see where it was going. Funnily, we were well prepared to hear that “The complete critical figures chart of All Female Employees”. Mind you... the figures here are just the NUMBERS….

It turns out anything you do, say or even think at work is inappropriate. In short it is considered as luring at the opposite sex. And the presentation goes on and on, mostly because they have to find ways to include all racial types in the “sample scenarios.”

What was more insulting were the “breaks”. After every 3 minutes, they had this completely retarded quiz with the answer so obvious that you have to be some blond bimbo to miss it. (Apparently saying “blond bimbo” is inappropriate too!) The questions looked as silly as this:

Q: When you meet a female coworker, what is an appropriate way to greet her?

A) Hug her firmly and gently caress her posterior
B) Drop on all fours and lick her feet
C) Look into her eyes and say “Good morning”
D) Jump on her and dry hump her

Really? This is an insult to quizzes worldwide.

And this is for the girls there…

Q. Where are you supposed to look when you meet a male coworker?

Luckily no options were given for this ..: P

And the presentation goes on to tell you that the company wants you to be one of those nerdy, stuck up a-holes who reports everything they see to management. In fact, not reporting a potential issue is a violation of company’s policy. I am going to send reports to HR from tomorrow. “I saw a male person holding his unclothed genitals (hidden from view) for about 30 seconds in a public place.” Also known as peeing in the restroom. And now don’t ask me what I am doing in a gent’s rest room: P It happens when we bump in there clueless sometimes, cuz of no boards ….

In any case, by the end of the presentation, I was fatally scared to even talk to male coworkers. It is worse with female coworkers, who I can’t even look at. You see, the laws for same-sex advances are much stricter. And how the hell am I suppose to know what is interpreted as making an advance in the homosexual world! The only ways to stay away from sexual harassment is to blindfold and gag myself and wear a straitjacket and hope that it does not remind anybody of some kinky BDSM fantasy.

This is the beginning ...

Last year I went along with my friend who was in India after a very long time. We agreed to go and surprise a long lost friend. When we arrived at her place, on agreed upon time – like an idiot, she was not home. Her dad assured us that she would return soon and insisted that we waited. I know typically how the scenario would be since I had this dosage once. I somehow managed to stay engaged on my phone saying it was a private call. For that also I had my dosage but again I was relieved very soon since he was irritated of the “dog bark” ring tone I had.

Our friend’s father, Mr. M, was an interesting guy, interesting being a euphemism for eerie. There was no end to his questions. He seemed to have an ax to grind against Indians living abroad too. He didn’t sound like an average curious George; he sounded more like a lawyer arguing for the death sentence.

This was exactly the same conversation I had couple of years ago when I visited her and now its P ‘s turn. Mr. M: Where do you live?
P stated his name and address for the record.

Several questions followed that say again accusations against him.

Mr. M: How long have you been living in there?
Mr. M: Do you own a house? How much did it cost? Oh my god, for that price you can buy two houses in India.
Mr. M: Which company do you work for? Do you they have a branch in India? Oh, they will, soon.
Mr. M: How frequently do you visit India?

After it was established, beyond evenhanded doubt, that had he been having happy living there, Mr. M continued scornfully.

Mr. M: What platform do you work on?

These days, everybody in India, including retired Math teachers, know everything about software. Not to worry, I have prepared answers for these questions for him. See… experience counts!

He: I don’t have a specific platform. My strength is in adapting to various platforms.

That answer worked well in my job interviews too. But Mr. M looked at him like P was retarded. He proceeded, speaking very slowly.

Mr. M: What language do you use?

My answer would’ve started with “Language is just a tool,” but I knew Mr. M would interpret it as “none of us know any software languages. We are complete morons.” So went with an answer he could appreciate. So did I suggest P to be quick in answering such stuff

P: I use C

Mr. M smirked like a lawyer would when the opponent’s witness makes a blunder.

Mr. M: You use C? In this advanced age, even people in India are using modern languages like Java, Oracle and Cisco. You are living in America and still using C?

I couldn’t resist laughing but again I have no choice of showing it up. We didn’t know which part to correct first. But I knew any attempt to enlighten him would be futile. I told P to have a strong heart to face uncle. Just keep it simple.

P: Yeah, I never learnt Cisco.

At this point, Mr. M decided to stop beating around the bush and determine his worth.

Mr. M: How much do you make?

A question that is not considered too personal in India, at least for a guy. I would have popped up like a sandwich from the toaster had he asked me that. If one evades the question, it would be assumed that one has pathetically low income. P gave him some vague number.

Mr. M: Do you get housing allowance? Vehicle allowance?

After he confessed he didn’t even know that they were, Uncle’s Math-teacher-brain worked like a super computer. He took P salary, compensated for inflation, dollar value fluctuation, housing market downturn and draught in Ethiopia. He arrived at an arbitrary adjusted net salary.

Mr. M: My cousin’s brother-in-law’s son, who works in Bangalore, makes gazillion rupees. Considering his house and car loan allowances, he is making almost as much as you make. So what is the point in your living in there?

He rested his case.

My friend arrived and bailed us out before we could make an opening statement. I don’t know how she interpreted our lunging to hug her and saying, “Baby, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

And year after, I am again blessed with an opportunity to meet uncle M …nah …not to see his daughter…to engage his daughter with P …See cupid I have become …

Anyways Congratulations P for the wonderful family you are getting and an interesting FIL…:D:D:D

Tu ..mein ..tu tu mein mein...

Typically to my knowledge, human race are of only two types …Rest all…I doubt if they belong to the same race.

 GUYS- commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing, light going and GALS- With unnecessary gifted aptitude to see through the intentions yet again it’s a pretention to understand the male species has not evolved with enough sensory perceptions to understand.

Here are few tips to handle such breeds…

Typical day out …
With a great difficulty a plan to meet would be made... Then starts the classic drama of wooing. Sometimes outta minds and worlds…
Firstly…
What if he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means: Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he didn’t wash his jeans in two weeks.
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing. He will change the whole wardrobe immediately. In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.

What if she says: What should I wear? The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
How to handle it: You are in a minefield. First of all you have no clue if she really has those dresses or if she is just testing your memory. Moreover, you have no clue what she wore last Sunday or the Sunday before. If you make one mistake you will be going down the “Do you even notice me anymore” discussion. The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress she owns. If you can think of one, just say, “Why not that long yellow number?” Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal. But what if you can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses she has? Then, you simply excuse yourself that you need to go to the restroom. Go to her closet and find out!

Finally after these early greet drama … finally get out of the house after 2 hours …Now he has to show off he owns the car and he is not just a driver…
What if he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
what it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him. Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.

What if she says: Our car is making some rattling noises. Can you get it fixed?
What it means: a rattle toy in the backseat
How to handle it: Say, “sure honey”. Take the car out “for servicing” at the nearest microbrewery and get the car fixed for a couple of hours

Once the car thingy sorts out, starts the lunch plan…Acha after the small drama again …Guys are guys…they get out of house without a plan…
What if he says: Baibeee… we should eat more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Soya
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore. It will pass in a few days.

Then actually comes the concern part ….I really donno how factual it would be too :-P
She says: How was your day honey? I mean yesterday … Kal baat nahi huyi na since you were upset
What it means: She wants you to ask how her day was
How to handle it: Assuming, you are one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about your gal’s day, the best strategy is to switch to “rant mode”. For example, in response to “how was your day”, you could say, “It was the most god-awful day anybody can ever have. I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”. If she is one of 99% of normal human beings, she would have slept half way through.

What she says: You have no idea what happened at work, *sob* *sob*. I had the crappiest day.
What it means: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace.
How to handle it: If you do anything out of the ordinary, she will be very confused. So follow the normal procedure. Try to empathize with her until you realize you miserably failed to understand why her day was crappy. Then go out to the car and get something to lure her while she talks to her best friend for a couple of hours. Bring chocolate on the way back home.

Am sure after this, she would definitely come up with something
What she says: Why are you behaving like this? Why are you so irritable and argumentative today?
What it means: She has PMS
How to handle it: Use the normal protocol to handle PMS. Agree with everything she says.

Typically whatever plan you make, it gets tagged along with shopping …it would be strange if guy initiates it
What if he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall
What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog which you will never buy on your own. He intends to casually walk by it and suggest that you buy it.
How to handle it: Get hold of the catalog and figure out what he has in mind. It should be easy. It’s the one with smallest surface area. Now go to Victoria’s Secret with him. Pick up the item before he gets a chance and say, “Look at this! What kind of pervert would want to see his gal in this?” Enjoy the rest of the shopping.

What she says: Hey, I am going to the mall. You want to come or not u decide… Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
How to handle it: You got a tough problem on your hands. If you say “yes”, you are obviously not going to like what she bought. So you can’t wear it nor can you return it (and stay committed). But you can’t say “no” to the question either because then the follow-up would be, “What, you don’t like my taste?” You can’t honestly answer the question (and stay committed). The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure. The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”

What she says: Oh, I LOVE these shoes! But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What it means: She wants you to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How to handle it: If her pout made the corners of your eyes moisten, remind yourself what kind of cheap, insensitive and thoughtless partner you are. You can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition. So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey. That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”

Now comes the real you... a point of conflict between the two- Movie ….which one to watch together?
What if he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.

What if she says: Hey, movie tonight? Something light?
What it means: She wants to watch some tear-jerker chick flick
How to handle it: Remember that, like everything she says or does, it is a test. If you whine about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when you want to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.” The best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie she wants. In fact, offer to drive to Blockbuster to get the movie. Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD on the way back and soon you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.

Typical men…Now the entire possessiveness comes up when she wants to touch his lappy
What he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer. Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2009\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night.

Oh are you checking out the tips to handle me?? C’mon... I am talking about Humans…Homo sapiens…
I am an Angel ….Even my BF agrees after being with me ever since he knew me …: D: D: D